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Special Issue on Queer Media and Representations
Issue Editor:  Rolando B. Tolentino
Issue Release:  Agosto 2012

Call for papers:

This issue will tackle theoretical analyses, interventions, and interrogations of queer media and its representations.  It will analyze the issues of heteronormativity, performativity, performance, hegemony-building, consensus-making, subversions, production of discourse, and radical politics, among others beyond the usual issues and categories of gender and sexuality.  If queer is the liminality of gender and sexuality– under the usual regime of heteronormativity–the papers in this special issue correlate the notions of simultaneity of power and powerless-ness, dominance and subversions, social and everyday histories and performances.  The special issue is open to the following topics and themes:

• Alternative/queer reception of icons, stars and events
• Critique of masculinity
• Interrogation of queer in the Philippines and elsewhere
• Queer performances
• Transnational queer praxis
• Everyday queer praxis
• n  Formation of a subcultural queer identity
• n  Queer politics:  possibilities and limits
• n  Queer spaces
• n  Queer contestations
• n  Queer media spheres
• n  Queer representations in media
• n  “Queer media”

Papers can be in English or Filipino (around 1500 words).  Deadline for submission is March 30, 2012.  Please email papers to plarideljournal@gmail.com.
—-

Spesyal na isyu hinggil sa Queer Media at Representasyon
Isyu Editor:  Rolando B. Tolentino
Issue Release:  Agosto 2012

Panawagan para sa mga papel:

Ang isyu ay tatalakay sa mga teoretikal na pagsusuri at interogasyon ng queer sa media at representasyon nito.  Susuriin ang mga isyu ng heteronormativity, performatibo, performans, subersyon at radikal na politika na lampas sa pangkaraniwang araling pangkasarian at sexualidad.   Kung ang queer ay ang liminalidad ng kasarian at sexualidad, ang rekurso sa pamamayagpag ng heteronormativity, ang mga papel ay inaasahang makapagbigay korelasyon sa nosyon ng simultaneidad ng kapangyarihan at pagtatanghal nito.  Ang ilan sa mga paksang bukas ang isyu ay ang mga sumusunod:

• Alternatibong resepsyon ng mga icon, artista at kaganapan (event)
• Kritika ng maskulinidad
• Interogasyon ng queer sa Pilipinas at iba pang lugar
• Transnasyonal na queer praxis
• Pang-araw-araw na pagtatanghal ng queer praxis
• Formasyon ng subkultural na queer na identidad
• Queer na espasyo at ang kontestasyon nito
• Queer na tanghal
• Queer na media
• Queer na representasyon sa media

Maaring ang papel ay sa Ingles o Filipino (1500 na salita).  Deadline sa pagsusubmite ng manuskrito ay Marso 30, 2012.   Ipadala ang papel sa plarideljournal@gmail.com.

        

This article was originally published in Rappler.

By Ana Santos

MANILA, PHILIPPINES — “It makes us happy to have a lot of children in the house,” Rosalie Cabinyan says in Filipino. “There is endless laughter and cheer with all of them moving about.”

“I guess the only time it gets difficult is during eating time. There’s never enough to eat.” Her cheerful tone changes; her eyes turn misty. “My grade 4 daughter cries when she’s hungry. Often, I have no food to give her so I just end up crying, too.”

Cabinyan, a 55-year-old housewife, lives in Baseco, Tondo, Manila, one of the poorest communities in the city, with her husband and their 17 children. Her husband works as a janitor.

Cabinyan has been pregnant 22 times, but 5 of her children died.

“I first got pregnant when I was 16 years old. We lived in a very remote part of Baseco then. There were health workers who would visit us and talk to us about family planning and birth spacing. I was open to it, but we lived so far that they could only visit once every three months,” Cabinyan recalls.

In between those visits, Cabinyan would get pregnant again. “I guess I’m just one of those women who gets pregnant easily,” she adds.

Cabinyan says that she and her husband had wanted to have only 3 children, but she was hesitant to try birth control.

“I’ve never tried pills or IUD because my friends told me that would be bad for my goiter,” she relates. And condoms, she says, looking shyly downward, were out of the question for her husband.

“The doctor already told me it is dangerous for me to keep on having more children, I think after my 4th or 5th child, but what can I do?” Cabinyan asks.

City ordinance

Cabinyan is one of the 5.25 million Filipino women who do not have access to contraception, according to the Guttmacher Institute, a US-based reproductive health think tank that specializes in reproductive health care research.

In a May 2010 study entitled, “Facts on Barriers to Contraceptive Use in the Philippines,” Guttmacher found that women between the ages of 15-49 only want 2.4 children but end up having an average of 3.3.

Apart from the cost and lack of awareness, the study also showed that the most common reasons why women do not practice contraception are health concerns about contraceptive methods, including fear over their possible side effects. At least 44% reported these reasons in 2008, as did 41% in 2003.

In 2008, according to the United Nations Population Fund, an estimated 3.4 million Filipino women became pregnant, with 54% of them (around 1.9 million) having unintended pregnancies.

What makes it more difficult for women like Cabinyan is the fact that they live in Manila where a local city ordinance, Executive Order  003, is in place.

Under EO 003, enacted by then Mayor Lito Atienza in 2000, the City of Manila declares its “total commitment and support to the responsible parenthood movement.”

In this ordinance, responsible parenthood means promoting only natural forms of contraception for family planning.

In effect, none of the government hospitals and clinics in the city of Manila offer modern forms of contraception like condoms, pills and services like vasectomy and tubal ligation.

“Since the issuance of EO 003, there has been no procurement of products and services in city health centers and hospitals which are not in the category of natural family planning method,” says Dr. Junice Melgar, executive director of Likhaan Women’s Health.  Likhaan runs community health clinics in various parts of Manila.

‘Imposing Misery’

The women of Manila suffered during the implementation of the contraception ban.

In the report entitled, Imposing Misery, a collective study done by various women’s groups, including Likhaan, women had to resort to sleeping in separate homes from their husbands just to avoid having intercourse with them. Some husbands insinuated that their wives were having affairs and were beaten for refusing to have sex.

Others were advised by their health care provider to avoid additional pregnancies, but could not offer services like ligation. The women would be advised to transfer to another hospital, where they could have the procedure, but would have to pay for it.

Women’s groups and NGOs also suffered as a result.

“EO 003 meant that modern forms of contraception would not be funded by the city government. So NGOs and civil society groups had to fill in the gap when it came to reproductive health services. But even that was difficult. Many of our staff were harassed for conducting sexuality seminars or giving out condoms,” adds Melgar.

Going to court

In January 2008, a group of Manila residents, with the help of the Commission of Human Rights (CHR) and ReproCen, a reproductive rights and health organization based in the University of the Philippines in Manila, filed a class action suit against the City of Manila and the implementation of EO 003.

The case, Lourdes Osil et al. v. Mayor of Manila, with Beth Pangalangan as lead counsel, labeled  the provisions of EO 003 as a violation of various treaties that the Philippines is a signatory of. These include the UN Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women (CEDAW); various provisions found in the 1987 Constitution,; and the Magna Carta for Women of 2009.

“The City Council of Manila should immediately revoke EO 003, and ensure that artificial birth control devices, including birth control pills and injectables be made available to all adult citizens who are residents within its jurisdiction, in health centers and hospitals,” said a report signed by CHR Chairperson Loretta Ann Rosales.

Filed with the Court of Appeals, the case was dismissed in May 2011.

An appeal was filed before the Supreme Court in September 2008 but was also dismissed.

New hope

The groups however continued to hold dialogues with the Manila Health Office under Mayor Alfredo Lim (who defeated Atienza in 2007).

In November 2011, City Hall issued a new ordinance, EO 30, entitled “Further Strengthening Family Health Services.”

It clearly gives couples birth control choices, following the principle of responsible parenthood.

But what would this mean for the women of Manila? And for women like Rosalie Cabinyan who had had too many? - Rappler.com

        

This article was originally published in the Officially Philippines website.

By Ana Santos

Romantic getaways for Valentine’s Day

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, people are sure to already be planning ahead and thinking of how to spend that one day where romance rules and everyone is excused from being intoxicated by it.

For those planning an out-of-town trip, why not try a bed and breakfast which combines a staycation and vacation in one? This way, you get to combine the best of both worlds.

Whatever kind of romantic you are: hedonistic and erotic or subtle and refined, there is an ideal bed and breakfast for you. We’ve combined the best five to help you make that choice as to where to spend Valentine’s Day.

Sonya’s Bed & Breakfast

Perfect for the classic romantics who find romance in quiet and serene surroundings

A stroll through an English garden is probably what comes to mind when you visit Sonya’s Garden. Delicate flowers blossoming from perfectly manicured flowerbeds and the cool Tagaytay air make Sonya’s Bed and Breakfast a wondrous place to sit back and smell the roses.

Cottages, all named after herbs, are built a comfortable distance from one another so each guest can lavish in their seclusion and privacy. The rooms, purposely devoid of a television and air-conditioning so you can better appreciate tranquility and serenity are mostly done in white and adorned with glass chandeliers that have been colored in bright splashes of yellows and blues.

But the best thing about Sonya’s Bed & Breakfast is the bathroom, which is an experience in itself. Many have tried to replicate Sonya’s shower in their own resorts or private bathrooms, but not many have succeeded. The feel of pebbles and gray stones under your feet, being surrounded by windows overlooking fauna give you the feeling that you are bathing in the outdoors even though you are not.

In the evening, you can go for leisure massage (ask for Sonya’s signature massage, which like the bathroom, is an experience in itself) and watch the fireflies. As nightcap, take a stroll around the gardens, this time along its pathway, which is lit up with colorful lanterns. Then curl up to a gentle breeze lulling you to sleep.

If you’re lucky enough, it will rain and you can wake up to fresh dewdrops on the flowers as Nature’s own way of wishing you a good morning.

Photo from Sonya’s Garden’s website.

Sitio Remedios

For the nostalgic romantic whose spine tingles at the prospect of time travel

You don’t enter Sitio Remedios through a door or gate. You walk under an arco that leads to a walkway paved by Pasuquin stones and bordered by small fountains. You are not welcomed to Sitio Remedios; your presence is heralded and your senses meant to be enchanted.

From the walkway, your eyes will feast on this private resort village that seems to stretch far into the South China Sea, which Sitio Remedios has for its beachfront.

The houses, which guests will call their homes during their stay, are all made of vintage bricks and wood salvaged from mid-century structures, from the towns of Ilocos Norte. They are laid out in a grid-like quadricula, which was typical of the Spanish times.

There are no TVs and they would only be out of place, an anachronism amidst the old time furniture and the bed linens made from inabel cloth which the Ifugao region is known for. You wouldn’t mind missing it here because it would only serve to disrupt the sense of this era that the surroundings bring.

The whole scene looks like an Ilocano village of the 1950s, which is exactly what the owner wanted to re-create. Perfect for those who want to be transported back to a languid time.

Photo from Sitio Remedios’ facebook

Ibulao, Ibulao

For those whose idea of romance is mixing adventure and love

The charming structure known as Ibulao, Ibulao is quite famous in the Mountain Province. Just ask any of the locals where the house of Dr. and Dr. Kalugdan is and they will direct you up towards the house on the hill.

The “house” is actually a compound where the husband and wife doctor-doctor’s home is built. Other structures that are dorm-type sleeping quarters and a meeting area make up the rest of the compound.

The two doctors who own Ibulao, Ibulao built it and run it as part of their own home. Dr. Tess is actually a native of the province and when she and Dr. Toto decided to make the Ifugao Mountain Province their home, they bought the property and created a bed and breakfast.

It’s a hike up to get to the house itself, but when you get there, you will see that it is a small price to pay for the view of the mountains all around the almost floor to ceiling windows of the Kalugdan’s living room.

If you stay in one of the rooms found in the lower floor of the house, you will find yourself sleeping amidst rocks; the Kalugdans built the house into the existing mountain structure, tearing almost nothing down.

Dr. Tess will serve you her one of her home-cooked dishes and you will really feel like you’re in a cozy home. During the day, you can take a jeep to the neighboring province of Banaue, climb the rice terraces and then come home to Ibulao, Ibulao for another home-cooked meal.

Photo from Panaylakbay.com

Abe’s Farm

For the romantic who gets turned on by primitive, tribal surroundings

Staying in an authentic Ifugao hut has a kind of ancient tribal appeal for those who want to try something different. On the outside, it may just look like that, a novel lodging alternative. In every way, from the structure, to the interiors and the décor (except maybe for the fact that it is air-conditioned), it is an Ifugao hut made for two.

But on the inside, it was made to make lovers that much closer to each other and without amenities inside the room like a TV to distract you, you can take full advantage of the proximity.

(Just remember to take note that the bathroom is outside the Ifugao hut so be sure to pack a bathrobe and slippers so you can cross from the bathroom to the hut without scandalizing anyone.)

Nurture Spa has a branch in Abe’s Farm and you can get a traditional hilot massage called Kagalingan, which was done with coconut oil and warm banana leaves. Another must-try is the “Seseng-Ima,” a Kapampangan-inspired massage.

Abe’s Farm promises to be a weekend immersion in Pampanga’s finest: food, massage and yes, romance.

Photo from Abe’s Farm’s website.

The Boutique

For those seeking a hedonistic treat

For those who want a lover’s getaway and are looking to have their quixotic bones tickled with a feather, The Boutique is the place for you.

With just a handful of rooms, each named something like “I love” or “I lust,” you just know that this is a place where lovers will bow down to St. Valentine’s bidding—not that they would not want to anyway.

With no two rooms alike, The Boutique’s plush interiors, overstuffed sofas, accented with modern art, speak of indulgent and pleasures.

Be sure to get the rooms upstairs so you can with the bathtub overlooking Taal Volcano. Another benefit of getting the room with the view is that you will be away from the Hawaiian BBQ restaurant that the rooms on the ground floor have to share a balcony with.

With such varied choices, it may be hard to decide which bed and breakfast you’re in the mood in for this Valentine’s Day. But that’s exactly what the other months of the year are for: to celebrate (or unleash) the kind of romantic you feel like being.

Photo from hotelbookings24

INDEX:

Sonya’s Bed & Breakfast

Barangay Buck Estate, Alfonso, Cavite, Philippines

Mobile:     +63-9175329097   or  +63-9175335140

Email: info@sonyasgarden.com

Sitio Remedios 

Email: sitio_manager@yahoo.com/sitio_remedios@yahoo.com

Mobile:     (+63) 917-3320217

Ibulao Ibulao

Dra. Tess Kalugdan

0919-694-5964

totokalugdan@yahoo.com

Abe’s Farm

98 Livestock Village, Barangay Ayala, Magalang, Pampanga

Pampanga Office
Phone: + (045) 865-1930

Mobile: +(0917) 8085187

The Boutique

45 Aguinaldo Hi-way, Silang Crossing East, Tagaytay City, Cavite (Just near the Rotonda)

Tel:    (+63 46) 413-1885 )  ,    (+63 46) 413-1795 ,     (+63 46) 413-1698

        

This was written by Ana P. Santos and published in Playboy Philippines

Ana P. Santos gets the low down on good hot sex from sex therapist Dr. Rosie King so you’ll never have to wonder or ask: Was it good for you, too?

It’s ironic that the most crucial of a man’s performance is not on a stage in front of hundreds of people, but in between the sheets where—depending on preferences and predilections, there is little or no light—and where there a deep desire for her roaring applause in exchange for his standing ovation.

Under such conditions, the performance anxiety that befalls a man is understandable.

With most Pinays notably too shy to comment or critique (or too afraid that it will show she knows too much about sex), how will he ever know if he is indeed a performer?  With women in general being so good at faking anything from their age, hair color to an earth-shaking orgasm (just think about that scene in “When Harry Met Sally”. Meg Ryan deserves as Oscar for that alone.) How will he ever be sure that he is good in bed?

Come to the rescue is Dr. Rosie King, renowned sex therapist, educator and author of best-selling book “Good Loving Great Sex”. Dr. King, who is a founding member of the Australian Centre for Sexual Health, reveals to Playboy Philippines the secrets of getting your hands on ideal sex.

Secret to Ideal Sex #1: It doesn’t have to be long, but it does have to be hard.

Photo Source: The Cook's Thesaurus

Dr. King’s formula for good sex is simple: get it hard and keep it hard.  “Because no amount of sexual acrobatics can compensate if there is an underlying problem that is not being addressed—like erectile dysfunction.”

Citing the results of the Ideal Sex Survey is Asia, a study done by Harris Interactive, Dr. King says, “Both men and women derive sexual satisfaction when their male partner is able to achieve an optimal erection.”

And just so we’re on the same page about “optimal erection”, Dr. King clarifies, “there are varying degrees of erection hardness as set in the Erection Hardness Scale (EHS).” So for Junior to deserve a salute, he must stand tall, rigid and at attention!

And just how hard is hard? Dr. King says the hardness of a turgid cucumber is just about right. Try knocking on a cucumber and see for yourself if you measure up.

Secret to Ideal Sex #2: Size doesn’t really matter.

Photo Source: atkelar.deviantart.com

You read that right and told right out by the good doctor. Size. Doesn’t. Matter.

Before you regret all those times in your bathroom where you used a ruler or even improvised and used your fingers (c’mon now, how many dangkals?) to measure your manhood and think it was a complete waste of time, Dr. King issues a disclaimer. “Size matters a great deal to men. A lot of men dream of going into the men’s room, whipping out his penis and lopping it off on the urinal so all the other men can look at it and feel inadequate. But in truth, size doesn’t really matter all that much to women.

Dr. King zeroes in on scientific fact and some basic knowledge of how women “work” to support her statement. “A large part of the woman’s sensory area is found in the other part of her vagina and up to three inches inside. Deep inside the vaginal canal, she doesn’t really feel much anymore. That’s why women can use tampons and not be bothered much by it.” Following this argument, Dr. King holds out a small space between her index finger and her thumb. “A man only needs to have a penis about this big to please a woman. So it doesn’t have to be big, but it has to be hard.”

Candidly, Dr. King adds, “For women, what really matters is the size of a man’s heart, rather than the size of his penis that matters.”

Secret to Ideal Sex #3: It’s not the quantity, but the quality

Photo Source: thegivingdemocracy.com

How much sex is too much sex? Or more pointedly, how much sex is enough?

“We are utterly obsessed with frequency,” exclaims Dr. King, who says that she gets asked those questions all the time.

According to the Ideal Sex Survery which was conducted in 10 Asian countries across men and women between the ages of 31 to 74, the most important factors that determine ideal sex are erection related.

“These results were unanimous across the region,” Dr King points out. According to the study, the most important factors are erection hardness and the ability to maintain an erection. This weighed far more than other factors like orgasm intensity and duration and frequency of sex.

Additionally, during the past four weeks, men had sex 9.4 times and women, 5.6. On a monthly basis, the results are more glaring: men had sex 14.6 times a month for men, while the women only 7.7 times a month.

Describing this as “desire discrepancy”, Dr. King explains that generally, men desire sex more frequently than women do. “It’s just in the way that men and women are genetically made.”

Secret to Ideal Sex #4: What’s good for the geese is also good for the gander

Photo Source: Article Alley

It’s not just men who benefit from good sex.  Women do, too.

“Greater satisfaction with erection hardness translates into greater satisfaction with all aspects of sexual experience, including orgasm intensity, physical foreplay and intercourse itself,” states Dr. King.

Women report feeling more attractive and thus, a higher level of self-esteem when they have satisfying sex with their partner.

Conversely and related to the frequency of sex, according to the Ideal Sex Survey, men with sub-optimal erections showed less self-confidence in the bedroom and thus, had less sex than men with Grade 4 erections. Men with Grade 3 erections had sex about 7 times, but grade 4 erection men had sex 11.1 times.

So the next time someone tells you it’s “just sex”, think again.

Secret to Ideal Sex #5: Feelings need to be involved

Photo Source: The Oxbow Herald

The quality of the relationship and having an emotional connection or closeness for partner play a crucial role in how satisfying the sex is—and that is a universal truth for both men and women.

To achieve an ideal sexual experience, men and women would most like to improve their emotional closeness and physical foreplay. Men just need to be reminded that foreplay starts right before you get into the bedroom. Flirting, sexually-loaded innuendos and teasing with light touches and naughty looks may sound old-fashioned, but they go a long way in building anticipation and mounting excitement.

Secret to Ideal Sex #6:  Erectile dysfunction is not just for old men

Photo Source: 4-Men

A man’s worst fears are not found only in his golden years.  “Erectile dysfunction or ED commonly affects more than 50% of men aged 40 to 70 years old. “ Your jaw might drop at that figure, but also consider this: men with even moderate erectile dysfunction were bothered by sub-optimal erection hardness, or what is classified as “grade 3 erection”. [see related story for more details on this rating]

But what should be of more concern is how ED may be caused by cardiovascular diseases, diabetes and other psychological factors like stress and trauma.  “There is a strong link between ED and cardiovascular diseases,” says King. “The arteries supplying blood to the penis are about one millimeter in diameter. If you’re going to get blockages in the arteries, guess which arteries are going to get blocked first?” asks Dr. King, while pointing downwards.

Secret to Ideal Sex #7:  Don’t fall asleep right after sex

Photo Source: The Narcoleptic's Wife

After sex and after achieving orgasm, the body releases oxytocins which are also known as the “cuddling” hormone. Quite simply, it makes a woman want to snuggle and shift from dirty talk to tender talk. Unfortunately, for men, this is the time when he would just like to doze off. “I can’t tell you how many times—in my 30 years of practice—that I’ve heard women complain about how one minute he is chugging along like a steam train and the next minute he’s snoring away while she’s left just staring at the wall,” laughs Dr. King.

Well, there’s some hope.  “Extend the “outer course” part,” says Dr. King. “Everyone knows intercourse,” begins Dr. King making one of her fingers go through a circle made by her thumb and index finger, “but we don’t pay enough attention to outer course, which is everything that happens after—like cuddling, stroking and hugging.”

Secret to Ideal Sex #8:  Everyone has their own definition of sexual satisfaction

Photo Source: Try BPO

Sex is largely subjective. And personal. So being what Stud A defines as sexual satisfaction may not be the same as how Stud B defines it.

“Some couples want to watch porn together. They think that’s what they need to get in the mood, then that’s fine.  The key is to meet what your expectations are of ideal sex is. It’s not always swinging from the chandelier and doing all sorts of acrobatics. If that’s what you expect, you’re going to be disappointed. Rather, we should have more realistic expectations of sex. Meeting this expectations will be the basis of these expectations,” concludes Dr. King.

Secret to Ideal Sex #9: Other things can affect a woman’s sex drive

Photo Source: She-conomy

While the overwhelming response to the Ideal Sex Survey highlights the importance of erection hardness and the ability to sustain an erection to the end of intercourse, these are all intrinsic to men. But ideal sex does not rest on a man’s shoulders.

There is a need for women to also to also be physically healthy to enjoy sex as conditions in the sexual regions may make sex uncomfortable or downright painful.  She also needs to feel secure about not just your feelings about her and the status of your relationship, but also not getting pregnant (if you are not planning or don’t want yet to conceive) or something like a sexually transmitted infection. That should give you enough reason to put on a condom. If it makes her feel sexy and safe and will make you both enjoy sex, wrap it up nice and tight.

Secret to Ideal Sex #10:  A relationship is not all about sex

Photo Source: The Guardian

If all else fails, know that the basis of relationships is not all sex. That should give you a little bit of comfort about the thought of monogamy (and how not to equate it to monotony). “There are some couples to whom sex is an important factor of intimacy, pleasure and bonding. But to other couples, something like watching TV together can produce the same feelings. Bottom line, healthy, long-lasting relationships are not built on sex alone. It’s up to couples to find out what works for them and what combination of different elements make up their ideal sex,” concludes Dr. King.

        

This article was originally published in the Smart Parenting website.

By Ana P. Santos

What if you’re the one who’s on the brink of having an affair?

Is that guy in the office starting to look cuter, and are you starting to spend more time with each other outside of work?
Are your feelings for him starting to turn into something more than just friendly?

Is that colleague turning into your “work boyfriend/husband”?

Are you on the brink of committing emotional adultery?

According to Aileen Santos, a certified relationship coach with a Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology, women are just as prone to having affairs as men, with one important differentiator: “Women mostly have an emotional affair rather than a physical one. It usually starts when the lines and boundaries between a close friendship and an actual relationship become blurred.”

The check box that makes it an emotional affair is intimacy – and it’s not of the physical kind. If you start feeling secure enough to share secrets and deep thoughts with another person, you should ask yourself why.

“When you start sharing things with another person rather than your partner, then you alarm bells should start going off because by doing so, you are depriving your partner of getting to know and share in the details of your life,” explains Santos.

Santos, along with Michele Alignay, a registered Guidance Counselor with the LOVE Institute at the Ateneo, lists down the things that make you vulnerable to having an affair and what you can do to avoid lapsing into emotional adultery.

Vulnerability #1: We’re not clear about our boundaries.

“Close relationships with the opposite sex enrich our lives, but we need to know which relationships are for what and the boundaries of each kind,” starts Santos.

“It’s all self-awareness and knowing what you want. When you are self-aware, you are more conscious about the choices you make and your boundaries. This puts you in control, rather than just reacting to things as they come into your life.”

Vulnerability #2: We have unrealistic expectations about what a relationship is.

“It is common for people to expect a lot more than they are willing to give,” says Santos who says that she sees a lot of those she has counseled expecting miracles and fairytales from their partner.

The problem starts when partners fall short of these unrealistic expectations. “Then we become resentful and start thinking that life owes us happiness. Life doesn’t owe us anything,” Santos states.

Vulnerability #3: Being complacent about the needs of a relationship.

“Relationships are dynamic. They need to grow. They’re always a work in progress. When we become complacent about having to take care of a relationship, it stagnates.” According to Santos, sometimes couples think that getting married and having children is the highest point there is. Where does the relationship go after – how else can you top getting married and having kids?

Everyone wants to be that old couple, still very much in love with one another. That is love that is backed not just by physical love, but by having a history together. It is in fact those things that you grow through together as a couple that bind you and deepen a relationship.

“What we forget is that getting to the point where we grow old with someone is a lifetime of daily choices. The path on the road of growing old together is made up by decisions we make every day,” Santos concludes.

How to avoid having affairs: Making your relationship affair-proof

Michele Alignay, a certified Relationship and Guidance Counselor from the LOVE Institute at the Ateneo de Manila, shares three easy and concrete ways to affair-proof your relationship.

Affair–proofing strategy #1: Fill in each other’s emotional needs.

“We’re more vulnerable to an emotional affair when we feel that we’re misunderstood by our partner. People start having emotional affairs because they feel that their needs are not being looked after,” Alignay stated.

A husband and the wife need to fill in each other’s needs. One sure way to affair-proof your marriage is to make sure that you remain sensitive to each other’s emotional needs as a husband/wife, parent and person, and fill them.

Affair–profing strategy #2: Re-kindle and remember.

Over time it’s easy to think that another new guy is more interesting, more engaging and better than our partner. What we don’t know is that the new guy may look very bright and shiny only because we haven’t really gotten to know him.

“Isn’t that feeling of newness something that you felt when you first started out as a couple? Go back to that feeling. Remember what it was about your partner that made you feel that way.”

So get to know each other again. If you have kids, go back to the time when you were a couple before you had children, when you used to have dates, and do them again. Alignay stressed that these dates need to be “different from activities that involve doing chores like going to the grocery. It needs to really be couple time.”

Affair–proofing strategy #3: Make an effort to sustain the relationship.

Related to strategy number 2, don’t feel guilty about leaving the kids once in a while to go out on a date. Turn it into an opportunity where they will learn lessons from you about being a couple and about what it takes to sustain a relationship.

“Married couples often say that after awhile, it’s like they become like brother and sister. We hear that a lot, right? Para na din kami magkapatid. But you are not brother and sister. You are a couple so you are lovers, you are romantically involved so honor that.”

Alignay suggests being firm about the commitment to nurture your relationship as a couple and to prioritize time together. Something as simple as celebrating a monthsary can do wonders to bringing a spark back to the relationship.

Photo from Forbes.com

        

This article was originally published in the February 2012 issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine. 

Fun Fearless Female

She Fights for Love

Meet Ana Santos, one of the country’s most fearless journalists. No other Pinay has turned writing into a potent instrument to promote the sexual and emotional rights of every Filipina.

“It’s our divine right to give love, to show love, and to make love. It’s all part of being human, ‘di ba?” Ana Santos, 37, writer and woman’s rights activist, asserts. As editorial director and founder of sexandsensibilities.com, the site which “heralds the value of loving yourself first and aims to make sexual reproductive health sexy and sassy for women,” she is not one to balk at the topic of sex and relationships. In fact, she has spent the last three years conducting workshops, attending conferences, and writing articles meant to educate Pinays about their reproductive health rights and remind them of what they can accomplish and deserve to have in and out of the bedroom.

Starting Write

Three years ago, Ana’s life was far removed from women’s woes and issues. She was a banker. “My last post was assistant vice president,” she recalls. “Then, one day, I just said, ‘I’m done.’”

She started writing features for a men’s magazine. Her writing career took a different turn when five of her nieces got pregnant at a young age; suddenly, she felt compelled to do something. “It was heartbreaking. I also have friends who were affected by HIV. I had all these questions racing through my mind. What does it mean? What now? I realized I didn’t know anything besides having baseline knowledge. It’s so close to me. It’s already in my family. My nieces and nephews could have aspired for more to reach their highest potentials.”

Journalism was the perfect opportunity to voice out her concerns. She researched and wrote about women’s issues, reproductive health rights, and HIV/AIDS. “It’s not sex and relationships lang pala,” Ana says. “It’s sexual health. Women’s issues.” Later, she reported on women and children suffering in the midst of armed conflict in Mindanao for foreign media agencies.

Her comprehensive reports and gung-ho attitude didn’t escape the attention of international media organizations. She was invited to participate in the 2009 International Conference on AIDS in Asia and the Pacific in Bali, Indonesia; and the global conference “Delivering Solutions for Girls and Women” in Washington, D.C. In 2010, she won a media scholarship to the East West Center’s Summer Institute for International Humanitarian Law and Human Rights; and a series of her stories on HIV for Newsbreak was a runner-up for Best Investigative Report in the PopDev Media Awards.

Safe Sex and More

In her writings, Ana always champions choice, giving all Pinays a chance to be heard. She cites a common problem: “Kasi, ‘di ba, ang sabi, ‘mahalin mo ang pamilya mo, asawa mo, anak mo.’ Paano na ‘yung ‘mahalin mo ang sarili mo?’ You have to put yourself first.” Ana writes to remind every Pinay to know her true worth, balancing romance and relationships with self-value. “We fall in love so much. Head over heels and all that. Love yourself first. Validation will not come from a man. It will come from you. Know your worth, what you’re capable of, harness your full potential,” she says. “You have to have a love affair with yourself.”

        

On February 10, there will be a champions’ and partners’ solidarity night titled “UNITE for MDGs: Celebrating One’s Commitment & Commitment as One” for all of the stakeholders and partners to meet and discuss synergistic opportunities and prospects for partnerships in accelerating MDG achievement to be held at the UP Film Center on said date, from 6:00PM – 7:00PM.

Following this one hour program is a FREE concert by MDG advocate-artists and key influencers, with youth groups as main participants. Guests include Cookie Chua, Brownman Revival, Itchyworms, Saab and Pia Magalona, Buganda drumbeaters, Bam Aquino, Iya Villania, Bloomfields, and many others.

Three years on to the joint implementation by the Government of the Philippines and the United Nations System of the four joint programmes under the MDG Achievement Fund, our ten UN agencies, 18 national government agencies, and more than 85 municipalities, provinces and cities are now ready to showcase the initial batch of tools, technologies, methodologies and sound practices generated from the implementation of these programmes.

As both the Government and the UN share an MDG acceleration strategy of localization, inclusive development and social protection, the joint programmes on Climate Change Adaptation, Water Governance, Youth Employment and Migration, and Food Security and Nutrition for Children have taken the initiative of sharing these technologies and tools with other local government units (for the demand side), and with government agencies, donor partners, and the civil society (for the supply side), through a widespread dissemination of the compendium of these tools and orientation sessions and forums.

Led by the lead implementing agencies of the MDG-F joint programmes (NEDA, DOLE, and the National Nutrition Council), and with the support of the UN, the solidarity night is a key advocacy event for all as a “community of duty-bearers” gathered together to express and renew its commitment to the achievement of the MDGs. This important event will involve the participation of local chief executives and chapter presidents from the League of Municipalities of the Philippines, key government agencies, House representatives, donor partners and the civil society.

In line with this, we cordially inviting all  JP YEM PARTNERS, ADVOCATES, YOUTH ORGANIZATIONS and FRIENDS to SHOW its support by attending in full force, and advocate that youth education and employment issues and concerns must be a priority in this country!

Feel free to invite your friends too! For those who have their KA JAM shirts, please wear them. To confirm participation, please contact Cynthia P. Arce, Joint Programme Coordinator at cynthia.arce@undp.org (0917-8685416) or Ruth Georget at georget@ilo.org (0917-5436738).

The solidarity night is a turning point for the MDG-F and its partners, as this ushers in a new stage of “expansion work,” ensuring both the sustainability of the gains already made and the speeding up of all efforts to ensure the achievement of the MDGs by 2015.

        

Advocates for Youth is recruiting six youth bloggers from the Global South to report on sexual and reproductive health and rights issues from March 1, 2012-December 31, 2012.

If you would like to apply and are a young person between the ages of 18 and 24 and live in sub-Saharan Africa, the Caribbean, Latin America, or Asia, please submit your application by Wednesday, February 15, 2012, to Lauren@advocatesforyouth.org.

To apply, you must:

• have an interest in youth global sexual and reproductive health and rights issues
• have an understanding of the intersection between sexual and reproductive health and rights, environmental sustainability and/or sustainable development
• be able to commit to reporting by posting blogs throughout the year
• have strong writing skills
• have experience studying or working in the field of sexual and reproductive health and rights, youth development, and/or journalism
• be available to travel to at least one international conference (costs will be covered by Advocates) during the year
• have reliable internet connection with the ability to respond to emails promptly and regularly
• be able to write 3 blog posts addressing global youth sexual and reproductive health and rights issues each month. One of the three monthly blog posts must relate to the connection between sexual and reproductive health and the environment.

Applicants will be notified about whether they have been selected by Friday, February 24, 2012. The six youth writers will participate in a webinar hosted by Advocates for Youth, focused on blogging skills, new media, and youth global sexual and reproductive health and rights issues. During the term of the contract, the youth bloggers will post at least three blogs per month. In addition, the youth bloggers may potentially travel to an international conference in order to report daily on youth sexual and reproductive health and rights issues. Advocates for Youth will cover travel to designated conferences and visa fees, in addition to lodging, and meals during the conferences. Advocates will also provide writers with a stipend of US$50.00 per month.

Download the Application!

Advocates for Youth is a non-profit organization that works in the United States and around the world to promote programs and policies that help young people make responsible decisions about their sexual and reproductive health. Advocates supports youth activists working to advance sexual and reproductive health and rights and hosts a youth activist website called www.amplifyyourvoice.org. Advocates also builds the capacity of youth-led and youth-serving organizations to implement sexual and reproductive health programming as well as advocacy initiatives; conducts media outreach; and educates policy-makers. Advocates for Youth is a pro-choice organization and supports the rights of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth.

Advocates for Youth has a form to sign-up for the iYAN on our website. Send this link to your friends so they can sign-up too!

www.advocatesforyouth.orgiYAN

        

Love Letters 2: a Valentine exhibition, 3-15 Feb. 2012, 2/F Power Plant Mall

Archaeology is at the 2/F of Power Plant Mall, Rockwell.
For inquiries, please call 0917.822.56.73 or email inquiry@yellowdoorgallery.net.