By Ana P. Santos
At the risk of being accused of treason and betrayal to the highest level, I am going to reveal (hopefully for the first time), some of womanity’s most guarded secrets — insights on the Y chromosome, its motivations and inner workings. These are words of wisdom, passed on from generation to generation, from girlfriend to girlfriend, mother to daughter, sister to sister. An arsenal of secret weapons meant to tease, to attract or just plain drive you crazy, and fall at our feet following our every whim.
Did you know any of these secrets as truths or did you simply think of them as myths? What you find out just may surprise you.
1. We have different sets of underwear for different occasions
A sexy lacey thong is hot to look at…but that’s just about it. It is meant to be immediately taken off because to have to wear something like that all day everyday is itchy, uncomfortable and just plain torture.
So to limit such torture, we have divided our undergarments by dress code — our fuck panties for your visual pleasure when we know that we’re gonna get some nooky, and our nice comfy cotton undies for everyday use.
Photo from http://www.thisnext.com/tag/hanky-panky/.
2. We wear our ratty underwear on purpose to delay sex
Related to number 1, when on a hot date with a guy we really like, we hold off on sex to get to know him better. We know that if we up the ante too fast, it will probably fizzle out just as fast. Easy come, easy go, right? But with the sexual tension rising, delaying gratification is harder for us than you think. And there’s no deterrent as powerful as the prospect of having first time sex with a guy we really like in a tattered lola panty with mismatched bra — we wouldn’t want to see ourselves naked either.
Photo from http://crasstalk.com/2011/05/qotd-what-do-you-wear-under-there/
3. We dream of being a sex goddesses…in one way or another
Even the most prudish, most tight-lipped and squeamish woman always wants to be thought of as a goddess by her man. A sex goddess whose bedroom prowess can make your toes curl.
4. We diss in more detail
When chatting with our girlfriends, the men in our lives who are just passing fancies are the subject of very graphic and detailed dissing. We will share everything from your bad taste in shoes, your staying power or lack thereof, how big you are, how hard you can or can not get, or if you have too much skin where you shouldn’t. No detail is too small to be left unturned. Blow by blow accounts are the stuff our juicy coffee conversations are made of.
A little something you may want to keep in mind the next time you tell the boys about the latest addition to your body count.
Photo from http://empoweredflowergirl.com/2011/03/empowered-flower-girl-announces-new-workshops-this-spring-and-summer/girl-talk/.
5. We know when you’re cheating
It’s women’s intuition, the genetically built in alarm system which tells us when we should be on red alert. Abrupt changes almost always trip the alarm – sudden weight loss, sudden interest in appearance, wardrobe and schedule. Our spider sense starts to tingle, and when that sensor goes off, we will resort to a number of things to validate our hunch. We look through your phone, we show up at your office in the middle of the day to mark our territory and smoke out the competition. We’ll bait you in conversation using information we’ve picked up from our investigations. Most men are usually not good liars when caught off guard.
6. We dress for other women, not for men
Those extra 30 minutes when we say will only take 5 to get ready? They’re not really to look extra put together for you. We know that you’ll be checking that we don’t show too much skin, that in general, we look pretty enough. When it comes to appearance, you guys are easy to please – you like us best with our clothes off. It’s really the other women who are more critical. They note every new pound or new wrinkle that has set in. They’ll notice if we’re wearing the wrong kind of shoes and laugh sinisterly inside when they don’t. The extra 30 minutes is a small price to pay compared to the social suicide of being on the Most Wanted List of the Fashion Police.
Photo from http://www.photl.com/en/196616.html.
7. We check out other women and it does matter who is thinner, fatter or prettier or more successful.
Women by nature are catty and competitive. It may be due in part to the peacock behavior. It is the female peacock who has the more colorful feathers, she is the who prances around with her feathers spread out in all their glory. Mother Nature made it such so that she could attract the male peacocks. It’s part of a female’s second nature to fan out her feathers and strut around displaying them. That way, we know who of the other peacocks have the prettier feathers.
8. We all want to date a Bad Boy to beef up our score card, but would never take him home to meet our mothers
We all, at some point or another (secretly) want to date a Bad Boy. For some of us, it may by “The Messiah Syndrome” — the crusade where we will try to convert a Bad Boy, but for the most part, a lot of us can appreciate and enjoy a Bad Boy for what he is – a guy who will relish bringing out our hidden rebellious streak. It’s like living out a fantasy — totally hot, but nothing we would ever want our mothers to know about.
Photo from Zimbio
9. We don’t all need to be rescued
We come in all ages, shapes and sizes. Just because we’re young and doe – eyed doesn’t mean we need a big daddy figure to guide us through life. Or because we’re older and more sophisticated, we’re desperate and will jump at any man who comes along. Or if we have a child with no father in sight, we need someone to make an honest woman out of us. There’s a lot more to us than our age and status, and we know when you’re making an effort to get to know the difference.
10. We fantasize about having threesomes
Two men at our feet, so willing to please us and bow to our every whim – what more can we ask for?
11. We pluck, shave and wax for one reason — we’re expecting some action.
The time, effort and not to mention pain that we go through in getting ourselves primped up for a hot date is because we expect to get a little somethin’ somethin’. So you can bet that if after all that, you’re just gonna give us peck on the cheek at the end of the date, we’re going to be pretty pissed.
Photo from http://oneboredmommy.blogspot.com/2011/07/shaving-legswhats-appropriate-age-for.html
12. We don’t like “yes” men
There are some women who are just born Queen Bees. When they stand up, there are always at least 2 guys waiting to pull out her chair, carry her bag and another handful at the sidelines, grateful to just worship the ground she walks on. She is a Queen Bee, and these boys are simply drones made to make her life easier. And these poor drones are more than happy to do that, not knowing that there is a difference between being a drone and being well, a disposable doormat.
13. We get cranky when we don’t get enough sex
We may need less of it compared to men, but we need it nonetheless. And when we’re not getting enough, we’ll start getting bitchy, and a bit high strung. We need to unwind, too, you know.
14. We fake…a lot
It may be because we like you and don’t want to hurt your feelings, or because we want you stop pummeling us already, but accept it, dude, it just makes things simpler most of the time.
15. We don’t lie, we just manipulate
We don’t really lie – we just omit parts of the truth – the parts that you don’t need to know about, play up what you want to hear and viola! Our version of the truth. It still is the truth – just our own self-serving version of it.
16. Yes, we do need that many shoes and bags.
Shoes are penis substitutes – that’s why we need the same color in varying styles and every so often, need to buy a new one. Finding a pair of shoes we like is like a sexually charged flirtation which needs to be consummated with the purchase of these shoes so we can take them home and enjoy them.
And the bags? We need just as many to match the shoes.
Photo from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Shoes_and_Bags.jpg
15. We wish you could get some fashion sense from our gay friends
It’s not that we want you sporting the tight t-shirts and low cut jeans especially if you don’t have the body for it. We don’t want you looking gay and be one of those girls who doesn’t know that her boyfriend is gay. But we do wish you could at least take a hint from a gay man’s choice of shoes.
16. We wish you would exert more effort in finding our G-spot.
It’s not a remote control with a multiple choice of buttons, where you just aimlessly press a key and orchestrate a blast off from there, if you know what I mean. Unless your ego can take explicit directions, i.e. to the left, to the left — pay attention to the subtle signs and noises we make.
17. We worry when we’re not getting enough action from you.
You can’t always be tired or not in the mood. You’re a guy, aren’t you? It may be unfair, but we kinda expect you to be a Boy Scout or a porn star – always ready and at attention. When we haven’t seen some action for at least a month, we’ll start wondering if you’ve been getting it from someone else, if you’ve just lost interest or worse, you’ve started playing for the other Team.
18. We carry on a lot of flirtations, but never really carry them out.
There will always be one or two guys in the background that we carry on a flirtation with, through text, email or whatever other media can deliver various innuendos, but most of the time, that’s as far as it goes — harmless banter. Ok, ok, at the most, we will fantasize about doing another guy when we’re actually doing you. Just be thankful we don’t call out the other guy’s name when we’re heading for the homerun.
Photo from http://www.squidoo.com/5-types-of-men-flirtation
19. We will always have a love hate relationship with your mother, and most of the other women in your life who came before us.
We want to be the only woman in your life so we’re a little wary about that girl best friend of yours, wondering exactly what kind of history you had, and competing with the sisters-in-law for the approval of your mother. As much as we hate to admit it, we need to be loved by your mother, or at the very least get her sincere approval.
20. We like being treated like a ‘girl’ even if we say we don’t.
Even the cast-iron-bitches of our kind can be brought to wobble in the knees when her bags are carried, her hand is held, and flowers are sent to her. There is nothing more disarming than just being looked after in a non-clingy and expectant “I’m doing this to get your pants” manner…well, unless of course she’s allergic to flowers.
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