sexandsensibilities.com

This article was re-posted from Illustrado Life.

The flirtation of a charged text message or smile, the harmless cup of coffee after work, the feeling of desire and being desired brought by an attraction to the opposite sex.  Ana P. Santos talks to relationship and psychology experts to get the low down on emotional adultery, where betrayal does not necessitate taking off one’s clothes.

“Office husband” is a term Aileen Santos hears quite often. Santos, a certified relationship coach with a master’s degree in Psychology and Counseling hears a lot of her patients talking about their “office husbands.”

“This is the guy in the office that they hang out with, and with working hours being the way they are – long – this is also the guy they spend more time with compared to their real husbands.”

Long office hours, alternating work days due to the proliferation of the BPO industry and more people spending more time at the office just to avoid mind numbing traffic are just some of the factors adding to the emergence of such relationships.

“An office husband need not be an adulterous relationship and sometimes it is not,” said Santos, “but it does have the potential for turning into an emotional affair. Women, by nature, are more prone to emotional affairs than physical ones.”

The line that divides is so fine that it is easy to not even notice crossing it.

“It’s when you start confiding in your office husband more than your real life partner that it starts to become an emotional affair,” Santos cautioned.

By doing so, Santos says you deprive your partner the chance to get to know you, to share in the parts of your life that matter to you and be there for you.

Santos, who says that relationships with the opposite sex are not to be totally avoided, stressed the difference.

“When you tell someone about what happened or you need to bitch about what your boss said or did, that’s just recounting your day. But when you start talking about how this made you feel that’s different. The intimacy and insecurity in letting someone see your vulnerable side is the checkbox that makes it an emotional affair,” said Santos.

“Relationships with other members of the opposite sex enrich us.  Just as any other positive relationships do, but we need to be clear about what relationships are for what.  We need to be clear about boundaries,” she added.

The Office Affair and the Office Lover

When Jona, a 35-year-old sales executive, began moving up the corporate ladder faster than her husband who was her college sweetheart, she became more and more dissatisfied with the relationship.

“It wasn’t just about me making more money. It was also about me being more ambitious than him. I began to see him as someone weak because he didn’t have the same drive. The power that I was feeling in the office, out on the field, was easy to bring home,” Jona explained.

She began finding more and more excuses to work overtime with a colleague from another department. Their perceived similar interests attracted her to him even more.  For the first time in their eight year marriage, Jona began wondering about what it would be like to sleep with another man.

Eventually, a promotion and ambition saved the day for Jona.  “The new role came with more responsibilities and in my desire to do well, I poured myself into the new job. Our problem then became the amount of time I was spending at work compared to being at home.”

That was the problem on the outside. But Jona admitted that the bigger reason was that she didn’t find her husband interesting anymore. “He couldn’t relate to the decisions and the pressure of my position. I couldn’t talk to him anymore,” she said.

“Relationships are dynamic. That’s their very nature. Because the people in it grow and change, too,” said Santos in reaction to Jona’s case.

Santos has seen many patients thinking that happy even after will just happen, which is a wrong notion. “The journey that we all want to be on, the one where we grow old with someone is a product of the small decisions we make every day. When we find ourselves veering off that course, we need to go back and think why we chose our partner in the first place.”

Almost Lover or Too Close for Comfort

For many people, there is a meaningful distinction between emotional infidelity and sexual infidelity.

“The former is about involving feelings, self-disclosure, opening up of the self to the other, becoming close, falling in love. The latter is more about sexual encounter.” said Eric Manalastas, Assistant Professor of Psychology at the University of the Philippines, Diliman.

Manalastas also shared that women often find emotional infidelity highly distressing, compared to sexual infidelity. On the other hand, men seem to be particularly bothered by women’s sexual infidelity.

“The gender difference should not be interpreted to mean there’s an absolute difference between men vs women. Nor does it mean that emotional infidelity will not bother straight men or that sexual infidelity will not worry straight women,” Manalastas explained.

Rica, 40, has been dealing with chronic infidelity and has gotten to know quite a bit about both sides of the coin. In their 12 years of marriage, she has found her husband, Joggie cheating four times.  It was all the more infuriating for Rica when he would deny any physical involvement with the women.

“I would see the text messages calling him “baby”, the messages saying thank you for the lingerie that he bought while we — the two of us – were abroad. Once, I answered his phone without saying hello right away and a female voice came on the line asking: ‘Hon, can you talk?’ What do you call that?” Rica wailed.

With three kids and more than a decade of marriage, she says she doesn’t know what to do or why she continues to give him another chance. She can only conclude that the same thing that keeps her in the marriage is the same thing that angers her about Joggie’s “relationships” with these women.

“He hasn’t had sex with any of these women and I know this for sure because we own and manage our own business. We know each other’s hours and schedules. It’s not even to keep tabs on each other, it’s just as a matter of operating the business,” Rica disclosed.

“I don’t know. To me, it is an affair because of the betrayal and the intense pain I feel with the discovery of each new dalliance. But is it really an affair? They’ve never consummated the relationship. It’s like my heart and my mind are telling me two different things!”

Manalastas, in reaction says that what constitutes an affair is actually dependent on the couple. “If a couple constructs a committed relationship between themselves, and promises to be monogamous, then engaging in behaviors like texting, kissing, spending time with, or even thinking about someone else counts as infidelity not based on one’s own construal of “infidelity” but rather based on the partner’s.”

“In a close relationship, it’s not just the self that gets to call the shots and label things as ‘ok’ or `not ok’.  The partner’s point of view is equally – some would argue, even more important, especially if you want to stay together and be happy.”       

In relationships, as in anything in life, the route to happy ever after is made up of small every day decisions.

        

by Ana Santos

This article was originally published in the April 2012 edition of Playboy magazine.

When it comes right down to it; whether it’s about going down or getting it up, doctors conclude that smoking does take its toll on junior.

It is a common post-coital picture.

After the bump and grind, comes the rolling over to the side, reaching over the nightstand and lighting up a cigarette.

It is the nightcap to the good romp in the hay-catching your breath by inhaling some smoke and slowly blowing it out.

But before you light up for that gratifying puff, you might need to know how that stick up in your mouth affects your stick down there. The pack says cigarette smoking is hazardous to your health, but did you know that it’s also hazardous to your sex life?

Read on and find out how:

1. THE MORE YOU LIGHT UP, THE MORE LIKELY IT WILL GO DOWN, DOWN, DOWN

Credit: mack2happy via freedigitalphotos.net

“What’s bad for the heart is also bad for the penis.”

That’s The Golden Rule when it comes to caring for one’s appendage, says Dr. Jaime Songco, a urologist at the Makati Medical Center.

“And since smoking is bad for the heart, it is also bad for the penis.”

Explaining further, Songco says, “The penis a vascular organ; it is an organ filled with blood vessels and arteries and highly dependent on blood flow. To achieve an optimal erection, a sudden rush of blood to the penis is needed.”

Clogged blood vessels and arteries damaged from smoking are sure roadblocks to the sudden rush of blood flow to the penis.

“The tar content of cigarettes causes thickening and hardening of the blood vessels. And with the arteries supplying blood to the penis being only about one millimetre in diameter you can imagine how any sort of blockage will affect achieving and maintaining an erection.”

The problem only gets harder [pun not intended] from there. Using an Erection Hardness Scale (EHS) commonly used by urologists to diagnose Erectile Dysfunction (ED), Songco describes an optimal erection as one that is “of Grade 4 standard. It has to be as hard as a cucumber.”

Stressing that not all erections are created equal, Songco says that erections can go all the way down to a Grade 1 “which is like tofu, making penetration impossible.”

And while E.D. is commonly seen among older men, Songco says that the risk of impotence increases to 50% in male smokers aged 30 to 40.

Studies made by Dr. Irving Goldstein at the New England Male Reproductive Health Center of the Boston University Medical School hold up the link between smoking and erection problems.

In an impotency test among 1,011 men, 78% of those with erection problems were smokers; more than twice the number of men with erection problems found in the general population.

In another study, where they measured blood flow to the penis, the more cigarettes smoked, the higher the decrease in blood flow.

The absence of local studies on the sagging effect of smoking on ED is a stark one, says urologist from the St. Luke’s Medical Center, Dr. Joel Aldana. However, in his clinical experience, Aldana says “about 50% of my patients with ED are smokers.

2. YOU WON’T JUST GET BLUE BALLED BUT YOU’LL ALSO BE A BLUE BLOATER

Credit: dream designs via freedigitalphotos.net

Prolonged smoking and exposure to the toxic substances of nicotine can bring about chronic obstructive pulmonary disease or what is commonly known as COPD.

“The main indicator of COPD is shortness of breath and difficulty breathing because of long-term damage to the lungs,” says Dr. Maricar Limpin, a pulmonologist and member of Philippine College of Chest Physicians.

Limpin says that over 80% of her patients who suffer from COPD are smokers. “COPD is brought about by the chronic exposure to a toxic substance such as nicotine.” And most patients are men.

Most people who have chronic bronchitis and emphysema have COPD, and those with bronchitis are called “blue bloaters because” of their bluish palor due to their shortness of breath.

COPD makes a man blue bloater, but not necessarily a drooper.

“A man can still achieve an erection, but because airways are blocked or the lungs are full of phlegm, COPD makes breathing difficult for simple activities such as walking; what more for the energy expended for sexual activity?”

To further illustrate, Limpin says, “He may be able to start in the sexual act, but he will not be able to finish. The continued shortness of breath makes it extremely difficult.”

Thus, from a medical point of view, COPD hampers sexual activity, which may result to having none at all, as the condition progresses into severe stages.

THE TAR CONTENT OF CIGARETTES CAUSES THICKENING OF THE BLOOD VESSELS. AND WITH THE ARTERIES SUPPLYING BLOOD TO THE PENIS BEING ONLY ABOUT ONE MILLIMETER IN DIAMETER, YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW ANY SORT OF BLOCKAGE WILL AFFECT ACHIEVING AND MAINTAINING AN ERECTION.

Limpin shares that all of her patients with COPD have a certain degree of difficulty engaging in satisfying sex, although she declines to provide anecdotes, citing confidentiality between patients and doctors.

Limpin emphasizes that COPD is a disease, which only becomes worse over time. “Once a patient reaches the severe to very severe case of COPD, even the simple act of breathing becomes extremely difficult. It [COPD] is debilitating and the most we can do is find ways to ease the burden on the patient.”

Part of the rehabilitation for COPD patients includes exercises on how to cope with shortness of breath and muscle capacity for endurance. And in terms of still getting some horizontal mambo, a change in position is needed. Patients are asked to try alternative sex positions which are not too strenuous. “The man [with COPD] will have to take on the passive role during sex. We advise side by side or positions where the partner does most of the work,” explains Limpin, emphasizing the need for the minimum expenditure of energy for the COPD patient.

And if it’s not the shortness of breath that will get in the way of your sex life, it’s the coughing caused by lungs filled will phlegm that may be the deal breaker or blue ball marker.

3. YOU’LL GET THE SHORTER END OF THE DEAL, OR SPERM

Credit: jscreationzs via freedigitalphotos.net

First off, there are some sperm terms you need to get acquainted with: density (sperm count), motility (percentage of moving sperm in a semen sample) and morphology (shape).

In a study published by the Singapore Medical Journal on the effect of cigarette smoking on semen quality of infertile men, it was found that smoking decreases sperm count, affects motility and alters sperm shape.

The end result is an impact on fertility. An excerpt of the study states that: “In 30% of infertile couples, the male factor, in the form of defective sperm quality, is major cause. As a large number of men smoke worldwide, and the fact that cigarette smoke contains known mutagens and carcinogens, there has been much concern that smoking may have unfavourable effects on male reproduction. Several studies from different parts of the world have observed that cigarette smoking has an effect on the semen quality, especially in those who are heavy smokers.”

Action on Smoking and Health in the UK has found “cigarette smoking affects male fertility. Men who smoke have a lower sperm count than non-smokers, and their semen contains a higher proportion of malformed sperm. By-products of nicotine present in semen of smokers have been found to reduce the motility of sperm.”

“Smoking affects actually the cilia or the tail of the sperm; this is the part that becomes deformed.” says Limpin, adding that it is the cilia that gives sperm its motion. “It can not swim as fast enough to fertilize the egg and consequently causes fertility problems.”

4. SMOKING MAKES IT HARD FOR HER TO SWALLOW

Credit: Wikinoticia.com

We’ve all heard the urban legend that drinking pineapple juice or eating pineapple chunks can make sperm taste sweeter. However, the jury – composed of urologists and medical journals – is still debating on this.

When asked about the impact of nicotine smoking on the taste of semen, neither Songco, Aldana nor Limpin could give an answer based on medical studies.

Michael Castleman, author of various sexuality books like Great Sex: The Man’s Guide To Whole-Body Sensuality (nominated as best sexuality book of the year by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, And Therapists) writes that everyone has an opinion on spitting or swallowing and it seems that empirical and experimental data are taking up where scientific study has left off.

Castleman posits that if the availability of sperm flavor enhancers are any indication, taken together with the testimony of porn stars who “have tasted hundreds of samples of semen,” it seems that what one puts in one’s mouth also affects the taste of what comes out of one’s well, penis.

STUDIES HAVE LONG BEEN ESTABLISHED THAT SMOKING CAN LEAD TO THE EARLY ONSET OF MENOPAUSE AMONG WOMEN. THE SAME HAS BEEN FOUND TO BE TRUE FOR THE MALE COUNTERPART, KNOWN AS ANDROPAUSE.

ANDROPAUSE IS KNOWN BY ITS VARIOUS NAMES LIKE TESTOSTERONE DEFICIENCY AND MALE MENOPAUSE. IT IS CAUSED BY DECLINING LEVELS OF THE HORMONE TESTOSTERONE IN MEN AS THEY AGE.

Castleman lists a diet of ample amounts of fruit and vegetables to produce a smooth, sweet taste. Caffeine, alcohol and tobacco will make your semen taste bitter. Red meats, greasy foods and dairy products will give off a sharp, salty taste.

So in this case, it might be good to follow your Mom’s advice about eating your fruits and vegetables it will make your semen delectable, if not easy and sweet to swallow.

If you don’t want to listen to your mother take it from former porn star Annie Sprinkle who Castleman says, attests that “vegetarians taste the best.”

5. PRE-MATURE AGING IS NOT JUST A WOMAN’S CONCERN

Studies have long been established that smoking can lead to the early onset of menopause among women. The same has been found to be true for the male counterpart, known as andropause.

Credit: David Castillo Dominici via freedigitalphotos.net

Andropause is known by its various names like testosterone deficiency and male menopause. It is caused by declining levels of the hormone testosterone in men as they age.

The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that testosterone, drops about 10 percent every decade starting around age 30. It is estimated that by the age of 50, 30 percent of men have testosterone levels low enough to cause symptoms and put them at risk.

The Andropause Society, a UK-based organization that promotes the study of andropause, says that testosterone falls progressively from the mid to late 20’s and continues across the rest of one’s life. Broadly speaking, testosterone will halve over the period of your life.

IT MIGHT ME BE GOOD TO FOLLOW YOUR MOM’S ADVICE ABOUT EATING YOUR FRUITS AND VEGETABLES, IT WILL MAKE YOUR SEMEN DELECTABLE, IF NOT EASY AND SWEET TO SWALLOW.

IF YOU DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, TAKE IT FROM FORMER PORN STAR ANNIE SPRINKLE, WHO CASTLEMAN SAYS, ATTESTS THAT “VEGETARIANS TASTE THE BEST.”

Much like menopause, the onset of andropause is characterized by lethargy, decreased libido, and moodiness.

Dr. Tom Trinick, a member of the Andropause Society, says that there are a range of health factors, apart from age, that contribute to andropause, but he recommends cutting down on smoking and testosterone replacement therapy.

When it comes right down to it; whether it’s about going down or getting it up, doctors conclude that smoking does take its toll on Junior.

“With the exception of COPD, erectile dysfunction, infertility, and andropause are multi-factorial. They are caused by a combination elements like lifestyle and genetics. However, smoking, because of how it affects the blood vessels. Compounds the effect,” says Aldana.

Hhhmm…bitter truth? Perhaps, but nonetheless, information that’s worth chewing on – without spitting out.

This special report was produced under a grant from the Journalists for Nation Building Foundation.

Images: mack2happy, dream designs, jscreationzs, wikinoticia and David Castillo Dominici

        

Can people find love in the fantasy and adventure of Harry Potter? In this case, it is apparently so.

Joyce, 25
Corporate Professional
Harry Potter Fan

Chris and I met in a Harry Potter online forum in 2003. At first, our usual topics of conversation were the novel, but we discovered that we had a lot in common, and decided to “move out” of the forum and talk about life. We became very good friends afterwards, with a hovering possibility of us being in a relationship, but we did not deal with those feelings until late last year.

First thing that you have to note is that I did not go online to look for a date. I was (and still am) very much a Harry Potter fan, which is why I joined that online forum. It just so happened that there was someone in that forum who seemed to be genuinely nice and engaging.

While talking about Harry Potter, we discovered that we had similar interests like reading and taking care of cats, and shared the same sentiment for friends we lost because of suicide or freak accidents. We basically discovered that we were very compatible, and we had a connection worth pursuing and working on. So we left the forum and found “privacy” at Yahoo Messenger.

Like I said, we took our time to move from being very good friends to a relationship.

When we got together, it was to me, like any other relationship.  We talked about life, the things we were going through, our family and friends. We set up ways for us to keep in touch despite the time difference (he lives in Kansas City), like constant email and Chikka messenger. I also took advantage of PLDT’s Touch Card so that I could call him regularly. Our connection was not just based on the things we had in common; our feelings and concern for each other ran very deep. Sometimes intuition would tell me that he is not feeling well, or that there’s something troubling him, so I would give him a call and true enough, he was going through something difficult. On his side, he would send me a message of assurance when he said he felt that I needed it.

Though we never met—we just saw each other on YM instant camera, I really thought that our connection was magical–that out of all the people in the world that we could have met, we found each other, and we seemed to work really well. We thought that it was fate at work.

We treated each other as very best friends. We did this for six years, but after a failed attempt to travel to Manila, we both became very frustrated. We decided that our relationship was going nowhere. We decided to part ways, to widen our horizons and meet more people, and we actually thought that there was no way we would get back together again.

But late last year, we chanced upon each other online, and we talked for a while to catch up. At that time, we had just broken up with our respective partners, so somehow the timing was perfect.

After a couple of days of reconnecting and rekindling our feelings for each other, we considered being in a serious relationship, this time, in real life.

After six months of planning and extensively discussing his plans of coming over, we were defeated by pressures from work and family. It was too much to bear for the two of us, and we failed to maintain our relationship the way we should have. Not wanting to waste each other’s time and effort, we broke up–for the last time.

We are still friends, but we decided to stay away from each other so that we could settle down and focus on what we really wanted to do in life.

As for my perception of online dating, it has drastically changed the last eight years. When we first became friends in 2003, I was well aware of the negative impression of others about Filipino women going on line to find men for money. I figured that, most of the time, relationships of this nature were mostly for women desperate for a quick buck. That was also the reason why I only wanted to stay friends at first, I didn’t want us to be subjected to such prejudice.

I also took extra pains to be conscious about how I behaved around my then foreign boyfriend, even if it was just on-line. I believe that a woman should be empowered enough to able to stand alone. I didn’t ask him to buy me things online or send me money. The bottom line of all of those efforts is that I must not feed that prejudice that Filipino women seek relationships with foreigners for money.

I’m glad that has changed over the years. Because of the prevalence of the Internet in everyday life, there is a higher probability now that people link up online before they decide to give it a try in real life. The Internet has become another avenue for people to meet, just like how weddings used to be a playground for singles. There is much less prejudice now, in my opinion, because online relationships with foreigners also include professionals who maximize the use of the Internet.

I never imagined that I could develop real feelings with a person very far away. We had issues that “real” relationships have, we had to work on constantly communicating, we had to make an effort to nurture our feelings, and we wanted to be with each other as often as we could. We thought at that time that our mental and emotional connection was worth pursuing, and that the only thing lacking was physical intimacy. Our genuine, deep connection definitely changed my mind about online relationships. I became more considerate of other people involved in similar relationships.

For me, our relationship being online and him being a foreigner were just small details in the grand scheme of things.

Just like a relationship in real life—or any relationship worth pursuing for that matter–an online relationship needs a lot of work. Both parties should make a lot of effort to maintain the relationship by finding ways to communicate and making do with what the relationship can offer at the moment. It is also important that parties involved in serious relationships make plans for the future as an assurance of each other’s commitment–and actually deliver on those plans.

Now, I feel like I should still be dating around.  Once I find someone who has a lot of potential in terms of being a good life partner, I feel like I should seize that opportunity and make that relationship grow– regardless of whether I found that relationship online or in real life.

Photo from My Relationship News

—

Read more about transgender inter-racial relationships in Modern Love Part 1.

Have you ever tried on-line dating or met someone on-line? Tell us about your experience.

        

by Ana P. Santos

People have a tendency to judge others by the relationships that they have or how their relationships began. In this series, Sex and Sensibilities.com takes a look at how relationships are impacted by a world that is becoming smaller and smaller as technology becomes more ubiquitous.  The more modern and hi-tech we become as a society, the more evident it is that our  relationships are hinged on old-fashioned values of love and respect.

A meal ticket.

A one way airline ticket out of the Philippines.

A ticket to a better life.

Whether one would like to admit it or not, it wasn’t long ago when an inter-racial relationship, one between a foreign man and a Filipina was synonymous to those words. It was perceived to be a utilitarian relationship of commerce rather than feelings, of transactional needs rather than intimate bonds.

But things are slowly changing.

Low-cost airfare and migration have broken geographical borders in many ways. Younger foreign men can now extend their stop-over from other neighboring countries to our shores. More Filipinas are traveling for business, leisure or education and are being exposed to different cultural backgrounds. The global melting pot has blurred the lines defining and thus, segregating one race from another.

Perhaps nothing has changed the landscape of the way we engage in relationships more than the Internet and social media. It is now possible to have a relationship with someone even before you meet in person.  Distance, race and even time difference are just all minor nuisances instead of factors that would spell the end of a relationship.

But, as Alice and Joyce will tell you, much still has to be done about breaking down stereotypes and prejudices that besiege inter-racial relationships. These two women share intimate details about their inter-racial relationships, both of which were started and nurtured on-line. Precisely because of the stigma that surrounds on-line inter-racial relationships, both have requested to keep their identity secret. Now, their stories are still perceived to be unconventional and rare. But as technology advances, human relationships will move into the same direction and on-line relationships will just be another case of boy-meets-girl.

Alice, 25
Fashion Designer
Transexual Woman

Oliver and I met online. It is a more convenient form of meeting people for me since I can easily screen the sincere ones from the “chasers” or those who just want to have fun. It is also easier for me to tell the person about me being a transsexual woman or transwoman. It is also safer for me to tell them online because I don’t have to be afraid of a negative reaction that might potentially lead to  a hate crime.

We were talking online for six months and then he flew to the Philippines to meet me. It wasn’t awkward meeting him face to face for the first time. It felt like he just went on a trip somewhere and came back to me.

At first, Oliver didn’t really know much about transgender issues; that’s why our relationship started with me giving him a Transgender101 orientation.

Oliver and I have been together 1 year and 9 month; 14 of those months were spent living together here. Culturally, he was able to adjust very well and sometimes even calls himself a “Gernoy” (German + Pinoy).  He eats most of the Philippine dishes I serve him and is not too picky or spoiled. Oliver also got to know my family, which is a huge step for me especially since my family was initially not open to the fact that I am a transwoman. In time, they were able to accept and treat Oliver as part of the family.

Being in a relationship with a foreigner really takes a while to get used to. First of all, Oliver’s mother tongue is not English. During the first few months, we had some difficulty communicating. He learned to master English and I also studied basic German.

But more than that, other issues that we have to deal with as an inter-racial couple have to do with stereotypes and prejudice a relationship between a foreign guy and a transwoman here in the Philippines.

Since my gender identity, appearance and behavior is female and Oliver sees me as a woman, we consider our relationship as a heterosexual one. Most of the time, people think since I was assigned male at birth and Oliver is male, we are in a gay relationship. This is frustrating for Oliver because he was never attracted to men. Although we have no problems with people in gay relationships, we don’t want our relationship to be labeled as such.

Whenever we go out in public, we get stares from people. We first get noticed because he is a foreigner with a Filipina. Then, they realize that I am a transwoman and start talking about us and staring. The dynamics of the two really make us stick out like a sore thumb in public. We don’t need that unwanted attention. We want the quiet life that most people take for granted.

Sometimes I don’t go near him or hold his hand in public to avoid the stares and the negative attention. I also talk to him in German so that people will have the impression that I come from Europe and hopefully lessen the severity of their judgment.

It’s hard for Oliver to see how people treat me. It also brings out the worst in me because it makes me more insecure about myself and very paranoid about what people would say about us.

Some of them think that I am a sex worker and Oliver is my client or I am just using Oliver as my meal ticket. Many times in bars, both men and women would go up to Oliver and tell him that I am a transwoman or other assorted names like “ladyboy”. He would silence them by telling them that I am his wife and show them our matching rings.

It is very demeaning for me.  I am well-educated, I graduated cum laude from a private school and yet, even street beggars belittle me because I am a transwoman.

It has been not an easy journey for us, especially for Oliver. Seeing my struggles has made us decide to live somewhere out of the Philippines. We want to go to a place where society would not discriminate or judge people because of the choices they make. I believe that the Philippine society is one of the reasons why most transwomen choose to live in another country–so we can live a quiet—or what we call a “stealth”– life. I wouldn’t mind living in the Philippines if only the discerning people showed some respect and compassion towards transwomen.

It also made me realize that the Philippines has a lot of growing up to do when it comes to acceptance.

Currently, we are in the process of applying for a fiancée visa so that I would be able to go to Germany with Oliver. I do love my country, but it is better for me to leave so that I can live my life in a nurturing and dignified environment, where I, and the choices that I’ve made, are respected.

Author’s Note: Last week, Donald Trump overruled the disqualification of transsexual woman, Jenna Talackova. A statement released by Mr. Trump’s office read:

“The Miss Universe Organization will allow  Jenna Talackova to compete in the 2012 Miss Universe Canada pageant provided she meets the legal gender recognition requirements of Canada.” This was considered a small triumph for the global LGBT community in their continued fight against discrimination. Here in the Philippines, the decision was met with skepticism and disappointment. It is hoped that this story was help others understand some of the issues that transwomen continue to face.

Photo source: Wikipedia

        

Author’s name withheld upon request

I remember reading about violence experienced by young girls at the hands of their boyfriends when I was around 12 years old. I think I read it in Seventeen magazine.

I remember thinking, “Wow. And to think he’s just a boyfriend.  I would never let that happen to me.”

But it was already happening to me. At home, I witnessed my father hurt my mother; with words, with fists, sometimes just with the contemptuous look he would use to silence her.

It continued happening to me–when I had my first relationship at 19 and when I remedied that relationship by making it into a marriage.

I was one of those who looked down on women who stayed in abusive relationships. I thought of them to be weak, needy and plain stupid until I became one of them.

Then I began to understand that there are several misconceptions about domestic violence, starting with the term “domestic violence”. “Domestic” suggests that it only happens to people who are living together or are married.

When it first happened to me, I didn’t even know what to call it. It wasn’t—couldn’t be–domestic violence. Did shoving, throwing my stuff around because I “wasn’t listening to him” or “looking at him as he spoke to me”, grabbing—which is how it started–domestic violence?

Back then, it seemed too petty to be classified as that.  Even if I did know what to call it, I didn’t know what to do or who to go to. It was the ‘90s, there was no internet, no laws. Republic Act 9262, which defined violence and institutionalized protection methods such as a restraining order was only passed in 2004.

There were other things that I didn’t know, like how intimate partner (the new term as of the new millennium) violence always starts with the little things like pushing and shoving and how not saying anything or not walking away is tantamount to allowing the violence to happen again and again.

And most importantly, I did not know how abuse at the hands of a beloved distorts your very perception of love.  The one who hurt me was also the one who told me he loved me; he was the same person who did unspeakable things to me and violated my basic feeling of being safe. It began to change me. I justified, rationalized and made excuses. How else could I describe the sudden rage that was matched in intensity by contrition and remorse?

It distorted my sense of right and wrong and it ate away at my self-esteem.  I left many times, once I even went out of the country. But I always came back. I didn’t think I deserved better.  I became dependent, longing for and needing the love and approval of my abuser.

Later, I learned that a woman in an abusive relationship leave, on an average, eight times, before leaving for good.

From the book, “Not to People Like Us”, I learned that seeking help is more difficult for women from an middle to upper class demographic because of the social pressure to project and protect a certain image and lifestyle.

But always, there is a way out.  It starts with first coming to terms with the fact hat you are being abused, knowing what what your options are and then taking action.

If you think you are in an abusive relationship, answer the questions in the links below to find out for sure. If someone you love and care about is in an abusive relationship, please share this information with them.

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/am-i-being-abused-2/

http://www.nottopeoplelikeus.com/body/faq.html

In the Philippines, call the Women’s Desk of the Philippine National Police to get help. There is an all-female police force called Aleng Pulis (which literally means “Miss Police Officer) who are trained to handle crimes against women with sensitivity and discretion.

Philippine National Police-Aleng Pulis
Tel No. (632) 410-3113 (within office hours only)
Mobile: +63919-777-7377 (24 hours)

For counseling, call the Women’s Crisis Center at
Tel No. +63 2 922-5235, 8:00AM – 9:00PM

Photo from Datingish

        

This article was originally published in the Officially Philippines website.

By Ana Santos

Romantic getaways for Valentine’s Day

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, people are sure to already be planning ahead and thinking of how to spend that one day where romance rules and everyone is excused from being intoxicated by it.

For those planning an out-of-town trip, why not try a bed and breakfast which combines a staycation and vacation in one? This way, you get to combine the best of both worlds.

Whatever kind of romantic you are: hedonistic and erotic or subtle and refined, there is an ideal bed and breakfast for you. We’ve combined the best five to help you make that choice as to where to spend Valentine’s Day.

Sonya’s Bed & Breakfast

Perfect for the classic romantics who find romance in quiet and serene surroundings

A stroll through an English garden is probably what comes to mind when you visit Sonya’s Garden. Delicate flowers blossoming from perfectly manicured flowerbeds and the cool Tagaytay air make Sonya’s Bed and Breakfast a wondrous place to sit back and smell the roses.

Cottages, all named after herbs, are built a comfortable distance from one another so each guest can lavish in their seclusion and privacy. The rooms, purposely devoid of a television and air-conditioning so you can better appreciate tranquility and serenity are mostly done in white and adorned with glass chandeliers that have been colored in bright splashes of yellows and blues.

But the best thing about Sonya’s Bed & Breakfast is the bathroom, which is an experience in itself. Many have tried to replicate Sonya’s shower in their own resorts or private bathrooms, but not many have succeeded. The feel of pebbles and gray stones under your feet, being surrounded by windows overlooking fauna give you the feeling that you are bathing in the outdoors even though you are not.

In the evening, you can go for leisure massage (ask for Sonya’s signature massage, which like the bathroom, is an experience in itself) and watch the fireflies. As nightcap, take a stroll around the gardens, this time along its pathway, which is lit up with colorful lanterns. Then curl up to a gentle breeze lulling you to sleep.

If you’re lucky enough, it will rain and you can wake up to fresh dewdrops on the flowers as Nature’s own way of wishing you a good morning.

Photo from Sonya’s Garden’s website.

Sitio Remedios

For the nostalgic romantic whose spine tingles at the prospect of time travel

You don’t enter Sitio Remedios through a door or gate. You walk under an arco that leads to a walkway paved by Pasuquin stones and bordered by small fountains. You are not welcomed to Sitio Remedios; your presence is heralded and your senses meant to be enchanted.

From the walkway, your eyes will feast on this private resort village that seems to stretch far into the South China Sea, which Sitio Remedios has for its beachfront.

The houses, which guests will call their homes during their stay, are all made of vintage bricks and wood salvaged from mid-century structures, from the towns of Ilocos Norte. They are laid out in a grid-like quadricula, which was typical of the Spanish times.

There are no TVs and they would only be out of place, an anachronism amidst the old time furniture and the bed linens made from inabel cloth which the Ifugao region is known for. You wouldn’t mind missing it here because it would only serve to disrupt the sense of this era that the surroundings bring.

The whole scene looks like an Ilocano village of the 1950s, which is exactly what the owner wanted to re-create. Perfect for those who want to be transported back to a languid time.

Photo from Sitio Remedios’ facebook

Ibulao, Ibulao

For those whose idea of romance is mixing adventure and love

The charming structure known as Ibulao, Ibulao is quite famous in the Mountain Province. Just ask any of the locals where the house of Dr. and Dr. Kalugdan is and they will direct you up towards the house on the hill.

The “house” is actually a compound where the husband and wife doctor-doctor’s home is built. Other structures that are dorm-type sleeping quarters and a meeting area make up the rest of the compound.

The two doctors who own Ibulao, Ibulao built it and run it as part of their own home. Dr. Tess is actually a native of the province and when she and Dr. Toto decided to make the Ifugao Mountain Province their home, they bought the property and created a bed and breakfast.

It’s a hike up to get to the house itself, but when you get there, you will see that it is a small price to pay for the view of the mountains all around the almost floor to ceiling windows of the Kalugdan’s living room.

If you stay in one of the rooms found in the lower floor of the house, you will find yourself sleeping amidst rocks; the Kalugdans built the house into the existing mountain structure, tearing almost nothing down.

Dr. Tess will serve you her one of her home-cooked dishes and you will really feel like you’re in a cozy home. During the day, you can take a jeep to the neighboring province of Banaue, climb the rice terraces and then come home to Ibulao, Ibulao for another home-cooked meal.

Photo from Panaylakbay.com

Abe’s Farm

For the romantic who gets turned on by primitive, tribal surroundings

Staying in an authentic Ifugao hut has a kind of ancient tribal appeal for those who want to try something different. On the outside, it may just look like that, a novel lodging alternative. In every way, from the structure, to the interiors and the décor (except maybe for the fact that it is air-conditioned), it is an Ifugao hut made for two.

But on the inside, it was made to make lovers that much closer to each other and without amenities inside the room like a TV to distract you, you can take full advantage of the proximity.

(Just remember to take note that the bathroom is outside the Ifugao hut so be sure to pack a bathrobe and slippers so you can cross from the bathroom to the hut without scandalizing anyone.)

Nurture Spa has a branch in Abe’s Farm and you can get a traditional hilot massage called Kagalingan, which was done with coconut oil and warm banana leaves. Another must-try is the “Seseng-Ima,” a Kapampangan-inspired massage.

Abe’s Farm promises to be a weekend immersion in Pampanga’s finest: food, massage and yes, romance.

Photo from Abe’s Farm’s website.

The Boutique

For those seeking a hedonistic treat

For those who want a lover’s getaway and are looking to have their quixotic bones tickled with a feather, The Boutique is the place for you.

With just a handful of rooms, each named something like “I love” or “I lust,” you just know that this is a place where lovers will bow down to St. Valentine’s bidding—not that they would not want to anyway.

With no two rooms alike, The Boutique’s plush interiors, overstuffed sofas, accented with modern art, speak of indulgent and pleasures.

Be sure to get the rooms upstairs so you can with the bathtub overlooking Taal Volcano. Another benefit of getting the room with the view is that you will be away from the Hawaiian BBQ restaurant that the rooms on the ground floor have to share a balcony with.

With such varied choices, it may be hard to decide which bed and breakfast you’re in the mood in for this Valentine’s Day. But that’s exactly what the other months of the year are for: to celebrate (or unleash) the kind of romantic you feel like being.

Photo from hotelbookings24

INDEX:

Sonya’s Bed & Breakfast

Barangay Buck Estate, Alfonso, Cavite, Philippines

Mobile:     +63-9175329097   or  +63-9175335140

Email: info@sonyasgarden.com

Sitio Remedios 

Email: sitio_manager@yahoo.com/sitio_remedios@yahoo.com

Mobile:     (+63) 917-3320217

Ibulao Ibulao

Dra. Tess Kalugdan

0919-694-5964

totokalugdan@yahoo.com

Abe’s Farm

98 Livestock Village, Barangay Ayala, Magalang, Pampanga

Pampanga Office
Phone: + (045) 865-1930

Mobile: +(0917) 8085187

The Boutique

45 Aguinaldo Hi-way, Silang Crossing East, Tagaytay City, Cavite (Just near the Rotonda)

Tel:    (+63 46) 413-1885 )  ,    (+63 46) 413-1795 ,     (+63 46) 413-1698

        

This was written by Ana P. Santos and published in Playboy Philippines

Ana P. Santos gets the low down on good hot sex from sex therapist Dr. Rosie King so you’ll never have to wonder or ask: Was it good for you, too?

It’s ironic that the most crucial of a man’s performance is not on a stage in front of hundreds of people, but in between the sheets where—depending on preferences and predilections, there is little or no light—and where there a deep desire for her roaring applause in exchange for his standing ovation.

Under such conditions, the performance anxiety that befalls a man is understandable.

With most Pinays notably too shy to comment or critique (or too afraid that it will show she knows too much about sex), how will he ever know if he is indeed a performer?  With women in general being so good at faking anything from their age, hair color to an earth-shaking orgasm (just think about that scene in “When Harry Met Sally”. Meg Ryan deserves as Oscar for that alone.) How will he ever be sure that he is good in bed?

Come to the rescue is Dr. Rosie King, renowned sex therapist, educator and author of best-selling book “Good Loving Great Sex”. Dr. King, who is a founding member of the Australian Centre for Sexual Health, reveals to Playboy Philippines the secrets of getting your hands on ideal sex.

Secret to Ideal Sex #1: It doesn’t have to be long, but it does have to be hard.

Photo Source: The Cook's Thesaurus

Dr. King’s formula for good sex is simple: get it hard and keep it hard.  “Because no amount of sexual acrobatics can compensate if there is an underlying problem that is not being addressed—like erectile dysfunction.”

Citing the results of the Ideal Sex Survey is Asia, a study done by Harris Interactive, Dr. King says, “Both men and women derive sexual satisfaction when their male partner is able to achieve an optimal erection.”

And just so we’re on the same page about “optimal erection”, Dr. King clarifies, “there are varying degrees of erection hardness as set in the Erection Hardness Scale (EHS).” So for Junior to deserve a salute, he must stand tall, rigid and at attention!

And just how hard is hard? Dr. King says the hardness of a turgid cucumber is just about right. Try knocking on a cucumber and see for yourself if you measure up.

Secret to Ideal Sex #2: Size doesn’t really matter.

Photo Source: atkelar.deviantart.com

You read that right and told right out by the good doctor. Size. Doesn’t. Matter.

Before you regret all those times in your bathroom where you used a ruler or even improvised and used your fingers (c’mon now, how many dangkals?) to measure your manhood and think it was a complete waste of time, Dr. King issues a disclaimer. “Size matters a great deal to men. A lot of men dream of going into the men’s room, whipping out his penis and lopping it off on the urinal so all the other men can look at it and feel inadequate. But in truth, size doesn’t really matter all that much to women.

Dr. King zeroes in on scientific fact and some basic knowledge of how women “work” to support her statement. “A large part of the woman’s sensory area is found in the other part of her vagina and up to three inches inside. Deep inside the vaginal canal, she doesn’t really feel much anymore. That’s why women can use tampons and not be bothered much by it.” Following this argument, Dr. King holds out a small space between her index finger and her thumb. “A man only needs to have a penis about this big to please a woman. So it doesn’t have to be big, but it has to be hard.”

Candidly, Dr. King adds, “For women, what really matters is the size of a man’s heart, rather than the size of his penis that matters.”

Secret to Ideal Sex #3: It’s not the quantity, but the quality

Photo Source: thegivingdemocracy.com

How much sex is too much sex? Or more pointedly, how much sex is enough?

“We are utterly obsessed with frequency,” exclaims Dr. King, who says that she gets asked those questions all the time.

According to the Ideal Sex Survery which was conducted in 10 Asian countries across men and women between the ages of 31 to 74, the most important factors that determine ideal sex are erection related.

“These results were unanimous across the region,” Dr King points out. According to the study, the most important factors are erection hardness and the ability to maintain an erection. This weighed far more than other factors like orgasm intensity and duration and frequency of sex.

Additionally, during the past four weeks, men had sex 9.4 times and women, 5.6. On a monthly basis, the results are more glaring: men had sex 14.6 times a month for men, while the women only 7.7 times a month.

Describing this as “desire discrepancy”, Dr. King explains that generally, men desire sex more frequently than women do. “It’s just in the way that men and women are genetically made.”

Secret to Ideal Sex #4: What’s good for the geese is also good for the gander

Photo Source: Article Alley

It’s not just men who benefit from good sex.  Women do, too.

“Greater satisfaction with erection hardness translates into greater satisfaction with all aspects of sexual experience, including orgasm intensity, physical foreplay and intercourse itself,” states Dr. King.

Women report feeling more attractive and thus, a higher level of self-esteem when they have satisfying sex with their partner.

Conversely and related to the frequency of sex, according to the Ideal Sex Survey, men with sub-optimal erections showed less self-confidence in the bedroom and thus, had less sex than men with Grade 4 erections. Men with Grade 3 erections had sex about 7 times, but grade 4 erection men had sex 11.1 times.

So the next time someone tells you it’s “just sex”, think again.

Secret to Ideal Sex #5: Feelings need to be involved

Photo Source: The Oxbow Herald

The quality of the relationship and having an emotional connection or closeness for partner play a crucial role in how satisfying the sex is—and that is a universal truth for both men and women.

To achieve an ideal sexual experience, men and women would most like to improve their emotional closeness and physical foreplay. Men just need to be reminded that foreplay starts right before you get into the bedroom. Flirting, sexually-loaded innuendos and teasing with light touches and naughty looks may sound old-fashioned, but they go a long way in building anticipation and mounting excitement.

Secret to Ideal Sex #6:  Erectile dysfunction is not just for old men

Photo Source: 4-Men

A man’s worst fears are not found only in his golden years.  “Erectile dysfunction or ED commonly affects more than 50% of men aged 40 to 70 years old. “ Your jaw might drop at that figure, but also consider this: men with even moderate erectile dysfunction were bothered by sub-optimal erection hardness, or what is classified as “grade 3 erection”. [see related story for more details on this rating]

But what should be of more concern is how ED may be caused by cardiovascular diseases, diabetes and other psychological factors like stress and trauma.  “There is a strong link between ED and cardiovascular diseases,” says King. “The arteries supplying blood to the penis are about one millimeter in diameter. If you’re going to get blockages in the arteries, guess which arteries are going to get blocked first?” asks Dr. King, while pointing downwards.

Secret to Ideal Sex #7:  Don’t fall asleep right after sex

Photo Source: The Narcoleptic's Wife

After sex and after achieving orgasm, the body releases oxytocins which are also known as the “cuddling” hormone. Quite simply, it makes a woman want to snuggle and shift from dirty talk to tender talk. Unfortunately, for men, this is the time when he would just like to doze off. “I can’t tell you how many times—in my 30 years of practice—that I’ve heard women complain about how one minute he is chugging along like a steam train and the next minute he’s snoring away while she’s left just staring at the wall,” laughs Dr. King.

Well, there’s some hope.  “Extend the “outer course” part,” says Dr. King. “Everyone knows intercourse,” begins Dr. King making one of her fingers go through a circle made by her thumb and index finger, “but we don’t pay enough attention to outer course, which is everything that happens after—like cuddling, stroking and hugging.”

Secret to Ideal Sex #8:  Everyone has their own definition of sexual satisfaction

Photo Source: Try BPO

Sex is largely subjective. And personal. So being what Stud A defines as sexual satisfaction may not be the same as how Stud B defines it.

“Some couples want to watch porn together. They think that’s what they need to get in the mood, then that’s fine.  The key is to meet what your expectations are of ideal sex is. It’s not always swinging from the chandelier and doing all sorts of acrobatics. If that’s what you expect, you’re going to be disappointed. Rather, we should have more realistic expectations of sex. Meeting this expectations will be the basis of these expectations,” concludes Dr. King.

Secret to Ideal Sex #9: Other things can affect a woman’s sex drive

Photo Source: She-conomy

While the overwhelming response to the Ideal Sex Survey highlights the importance of erection hardness and the ability to sustain an erection to the end of intercourse, these are all intrinsic to men. But ideal sex does not rest on a man’s shoulders.

There is a need for women to also to also be physically healthy to enjoy sex as conditions in the sexual regions may make sex uncomfortable or downright painful.  She also needs to feel secure about not just your feelings about her and the status of your relationship, but also not getting pregnant (if you are not planning or don’t want yet to conceive) or something like a sexually transmitted infection. That should give you enough reason to put on a condom. If it makes her feel sexy and safe and will make you both enjoy sex, wrap it up nice and tight.

Secret to Ideal Sex #10:  A relationship is not all about sex

Photo Source: The Guardian

If all else fails, know that the basis of relationships is not all sex. That should give you a little bit of comfort about the thought of monogamy (and how not to equate it to monotony). “There are some couples to whom sex is an important factor of intimacy, pleasure and bonding. But to other couples, something like watching TV together can produce the same feelings. Bottom line, healthy, long-lasting relationships are not built on sex alone. It’s up to couples to find out what works for them and what combination of different elements make up their ideal sex,” concludes Dr. King.

        

This article was originally published in the Smart Parenting website.

By Ana P. Santos

What if you’re the one who’s on the brink of having an affair?

Is that guy in the office starting to look cuter, and are you starting to spend more time with each other outside of work?
Are your feelings for him starting to turn into something more than just friendly?

Is that colleague turning into your “work boyfriend/husband”?

Are you on the brink of committing emotional adultery?

According to Aileen Santos, a certified relationship coach with a Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology, women are just as prone to having affairs as men, with one important differentiator: “Women mostly have an emotional affair rather than a physical one. It usually starts when the lines and boundaries between a close friendship and an actual relationship become blurred.”

The check box that makes it an emotional affair is intimacy – and it’s not of the physical kind. If you start feeling secure enough to share secrets and deep thoughts with another person, you should ask yourself why.

“When you start sharing things with another person rather than your partner, then you alarm bells should start going off because by doing so, you are depriving your partner of getting to know and share in the details of your life,” explains Santos.

Santos, along with Michele Alignay, a registered Guidance Counselor with the LOVE Institute at the Ateneo, lists down the things that make you vulnerable to having an affair and what you can do to avoid lapsing into emotional adultery.

Vulnerability #1: We’re not clear about our boundaries.

“Close relationships with the opposite sex enrich our lives, but we need to know which relationships are for what and the boundaries of each kind,” starts Santos.

“It’s all self-awareness and knowing what you want. When you are self-aware, you are more conscious about the choices you make and your boundaries. This puts you in control, rather than just reacting to things as they come into your life.”

Vulnerability #2: We have unrealistic expectations about what a relationship is.

“It is common for people to expect a lot more than they are willing to give,” says Santos who says that she sees a lot of those she has counseled expecting miracles and fairytales from their partner.

The problem starts when partners fall short of these unrealistic expectations. “Then we become resentful and start thinking that life owes us happiness. Life doesn’t owe us anything,” Santos states.

Vulnerability #3: Being complacent about the needs of a relationship.

“Relationships are dynamic. They need to grow. They’re always a work in progress. When we become complacent about having to take care of a relationship, it stagnates.” According to Santos, sometimes couples think that getting married and having children is the highest point there is. Where does the relationship go after – how else can you top getting married and having kids?

Everyone wants to be that old couple, still very much in love with one another. That is love that is backed not just by physical love, but by having a history together. It is in fact those things that you grow through together as a couple that bind you and deepen a relationship.

“What we forget is that getting to the point where we grow old with someone is a lifetime of daily choices. The path on the road of growing old together is made up by decisions we make every day,” Santos concludes.

How to avoid having affairs: Making your relationship affair-proof

Michele Alignay, a certified Relationship and Guidance Counselor from the LOVE Institute at the Ateneo de Manila, shares three easy and concrete ways to affair-proof your relationship.

Affair–proofing strategy #1: Fill in each other’s emotional needs.

“We’re more vulnerable to an emotional affair when we feel that we’re misunderstood by our partner. People start having emotional affairs because they feel that their needs are not being looked after,” Alignay stated.

A husband and the wife need to fill in each other’s needs. One sure way to affair-proof your marriage is to make sure that you remain sensitive to each other’s emotional needs as a husband/wife, parent and person, and fill them.

Affair–profing strategy #2: Re-kindle and remember.

Over time it’s easy to think that another new guy is more interesting, more engaging and better than our partner. What we don’t know is that the new guy may look very bright and shiny only because we haven’t really gotten to know him.

“Isn’t that feeling of newness something that you felt when you first started out as a couple? Go back to that feeling. Remember what it was about your partner that made you feel that way.”

So get to know each other again. If you have kids, go back to the time when you were a couple before you had children, when you used to have dates, and do them again. Alignay stressed that these dates need to be “different from activities that involve doing chores like going to the grocery. It needs to really be couple time.”

Affair–proofing strategy #3: Make an effort to sustain the relationship.

Related to strategy number 2, don’t feel guilty about leaving the kids once in a while to go out on a date. Turn it into an opportunity where they will learn lessons from you about being a couple and about what it takes to sustain a relationship.

“Married couples often say that after awhile, it’s like they become like brother and sister. We hear that a lot, right? Para na din kami magkapatid. But you are not brother and sister. You are a couple so you are lovers, you are romantically involved so honor that.”

Alignay suggests being firm about the commitment to nurture your relationship as a couple and to prioritize time together. Something as simple as celebrating a monthsary can do wonders to bringing a spark back to the relationship.

Photo from Forbes.com

        

This article was first published on FemaleNetwork.com

By Ana Santos

Looking to liven up your sex life this Christmas season? We’ve listed some ideas that will definitely put you on the Naughty list!

Does Valentine’s Day own the whole idea of romance and love and is Christmas just its more wholesome fuddy-duddy holiday cousin? Don’t be a romantic Scrooge with these tips to put some jingle in your—wink, wink!—bell. Celebrate the holidays with some sizzlin’ hot pizzazz and oomph.

A note from the author:  You’ll probably need the kids, nannies, drivers, in-laws—heck, even the neighbors–to hike off to another place for a couple of hours to participate in any of these activities.  Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

1. GOOD GIRL GONE HO-HO-HO

You’ve spent the whole year being a good girl. What’s one day in the year to let the bad girl inside of you loose and let her rip? Do something you’ve always done, but differently. Instead of booking a hotel room for a quiet getaway, book a motel room—use some of your Christmas bonus and get a suite! See how the illicit feel of a motel hideaway ups the ante on your loving.

You can also bring out some toys and costumes and experiment. ‘Tis the season to be merry, after all.

(Photo by Fabian Mattsson via sxc.hu)

2. BOUDOIR SHOOT

Here’s something that is as much about giving yourself the gift of sexy confidence and beauty as giving something to your man. Give him a Christmas gift that will blow his mind and make him see you in a new light—literally. Schedule a boudoir shoot where you can be beautifully photographed, then, once you have the photo, frame it or put it in an album, wrap it up in a cute little bow, and give him the gift of showing him the sensual, beautiful side of you for Christmas.

A note for the single ladies reading this: You might want to give yourself this gift, just so that you’ll have a concrete reminder of an empowered, sexy, and confident you.

Looking for photographers who can do this tastefully? Check out The Boudoir Dolls atwww.TheBoudoirDolls.com.

(Photo courtesy of TheBoudoirDolls.com)

3. UNWRAP YOURSELF

Do a strip tease for him. Don’t diss the idea as something fake or pretentious—i.e., something that isn’t your style or something that will cause you to just burst out laughing if you try it.

The power of the striptease is actually the “tease” part. Remember the movie Fatal Attraction, in which Michael Douglas’s character was simply watching his wife (Anne Archer) put on her makeup while in her underwear—and getting really turned on just by the sight of her? Channel that.

So you don’t have to think about renting a pole or anything like that (though why not, if you’re game?), but try out the little things that will tease him or make him laugh, like coming out of the bathroom and opening up your robe to gift him with the sight of you decked out in sexy Christmas-themed underwear. Humor is a great turn on, you know!

Check out the Topshop for fun, funky designs in different underwear types like boy leg, briefs, and panties. Plus, SM Department Store’s ladies department always has a wide array of underwear colors in different Yuletide hues that you can mix and match.

(Photo by Marius Muresan via sxc.hu)

4. ALL TIED UP IN A BOW

Take out those beautiful silk ribbons used to wrap those precious gifts and bring them to the bedroom for a little wrapping ribbon bondage. Surprise him and yourself by getting creative with those knots—those Girl Scout lessons would be useful right about now!

Use them to tie each his wrists so he can only watch but not touch, or tie him to the bedpost if you dare. For best results, make sure you also come out on the receiving end of this ribbon ceremony.

(Photo by Aleksandra P. via sxc.hu)

5. LOVE UNDER THE CHRISTMAS TREE

Forget the fireplace—they aren’t exactly needed in our tropical country. Try the Christmas tree as a substitute for making your bells jingle and his balls tingle on Christmas Day. Sometimes all it takes is a new place to bring in a new kinky to your shake and tumble routine.

What better place to make holiday cheer than beside the Christmas tree? And if you can look up at the Christmas tree, you can even feel what it must be like to be a Christmas gift just waiting to be opened—and if the two of you do it right, we guarantee you’ll see stars, and not just of the decorative kind!

(Photo by Barry Meyer via sxc.hu)

6. A COOL MINT CHRISTMAS 

Some books suggest eating ice cream or drinking something cold for a cool, chilly sensation to bring with you as an oral tradition when exploring your partner’s nether regions.

Try this with your Christmas mints and see if it will take his breath away.

(Photo by Jeffrey Collingwood via sxc.hu)

7. KISSING UNDER THE MISTLETOE

If kissing underneath the mistletoe is the tradition, then it’s time for a little relocation. Move it around; instead of just hanging from the ceiling, move it to other places that are also worthy of kissing and being kissed. Like in your décolletage—or how about pinning one onto a pair of delicate lace panties? For good measure, you can also pin one on his boxers.

(Photo by Julia Freeman-Woolpert via sxc.hu)

8. SEXY TIME GIFT CERTIFICATES

Get him gift certificates that are made out for fun couple things that range from going out for a candlelit dinner, getting a massage together, or winding up in a bubble bath. Set a validity period in which each IOU can be redeemed throughout the year, using milestones like your birthdays or anniversary. Give him bonus points if he redeems all gift certificates in one go.

Looking for ways to get creative with your GCs? You can issue him a check in which the amount paid is for a service rendered, or you can write out destinations on the backs of ticket stubs. You can even print out a boarding pass for a trip to the land of bliss.

(Photo by Michael W via sxc.hu)

9. NAUGHTY LIST

Make a naughty list, a list of things that you’ve been wanting to try with each other. Sometimes it’s as simple as a new sex position; sometimes it’s as daring as making your own film or just knocking boots someplace you’ve never tried it. Put your wishes on scraps of paper, drop them in Kinky Stockings (fishnet are better), and pull them out one by one and see if you have the guts to live them out.

(Photo by Fanginhoon via sxc.hu)

10. 12 SEXY DAYS OF CHRISTMAS 

Write out a list of a sexy things you and your guy can do every day for 12 days until Christmas. Bring out each other’s fun side by downloading a sex app for your preferred gadget and making it a point to give it an intense review. It can even be as simple as going to your favorite restaurant for a candlelit dinner and leaving the mobile phone at home.

Leave these suggestions as notes under his pillow (use scented stationery or wrap them in your best lace panties for maximum impact) or send them out to him every day via SMS.

(Photo by Gary Tamin viasxc.hu)

        

Our friends from Pfizer hosted a cozy media gathering with Dr. Rosie King,  sex therapist from Australia and author of the book,

Dr. King shared with us the survey results of an Ideal Sex Survey conducted by Harrison Interactive and Pfizer lastDecember 2010. The survey asked 3,282 male and female respondents in 10 Asia Pacific countrieswhat really constitutes good, toe-curling, back arching sex.

We had a rollickin’ good time as Dr. King answered questions not just about sex in general, not stopping to answer even questions about her own sex life. “I talk about everyone else’s sex life, I have no problem talking about my own.” Describing herself as a deeply sexual being, who despite “being a grandmother has been married to a wonderful man for decades who still thinks I’m a babe”.

It wasn’t just Dr. King’s candor that had the journalists in the room laughing. She revealed a lot of surprising things about sex

1.    What is the secret to good sex?

The formula wasn’t acrobatic moves and creative positions.  It’s actually a bit simpler than that. Unanimously, the respondents in the Ideal Sex Survey Asia all said erection hardness and erection longevity (being able to maintain and sustain a erection all the way to the end of sex).  Frequency of sex and intensity of orgasms were all second fiddle to erection hardness.

And don’t knock it as just sex, there are a number of indications and domino effects related to a good role in the hay.  Read on to number 2.

Photo from Health for Better Life

2.  If keeping it hard is the secret to good sex, then how hard is hard?

Make no mistake about it.  In the same way that not all are created equal, not all erections are made equally hard. There are different erection grades, which are tracked in what is called Erection Hardness Scale (EHS). There are four grades and men should always strive for a Grade 4 erection

Grade 4: No erectile dysfunction.  Penis is completely hard and fully rigid.

Grade 3: Mild erectile dysfunction. This is already considered a sub-optimal erection. Penis is hard enough for penetration but not completely hard

Grade 2: Moderate erectile dysfunction. Penis is hard but not hard enough for penetration.

Grade 1: Severe erectile dysfunction. Sexual intercourse is not possible.

As for the domino effects we were talking about, men with no erectile dysfunction—the fourth graders, so to speak–have more sex than their grade 3 counterparts. Women whose partners have no erectile dysfunction and thus, had more sex reported feeling more sexy, had more self-esteem and were generally more into their partners.

Also, women report feel safer and more worry-free in bed when their partners wear a condom or if they are on the pill.  Makes sense, doesn’t it? If she’s not worrying about getting pregnant or catching some sexually transmitted infection, she’s more focused on her pleasure and yours. 

Photos from University of East Anglia, Holistic Medicine Works, Fake Food and Andrea’s Easy Vegan Cooking

3.    It’s not just the quality of the erection, but the quality of the relationship

Yep, nothing beats good old-fashioned feelings when it comes to getting’ the shake in your jiggy—and that goes forboth men and women. In the Ideal Sex Survey, both men and women reported that sex is better with a partner they were in a committed relationship with. Committed relationships bring with it security, more confidence and deeper intimacy. How’s that for a vote for monogamy?

Photo from PeaceFruit

4.    Size really doesn’t matter

This is one of the most fascinating things I learned from Dr. King. “It is only the outer third of a woman’s vagina that has sensation.” And for the cynics in the audience, Dr. King suggested this experiment, “When you get home, the women in this room should try sticking a finger deep inside her vagina and run their nail along side it. You won’t feel a thing. It’s the same reason why she can have a tampon in there.”

Dr. King concluded, “So in reality, a woman only needs a penis about this small”–demonstrating with her thumb and her forefinger a distance that couldn’t be more than 3-4 inches wide–“to pleasure her. It just has to be a hard penis.”

Moving on a more sentimental note, Dr. King said, “Besides, for women, what’s more important is the size of a man’s heart, rather than the size of his penis.”

Photo from Visual Photos

5.    There are different kinds of sex and a lot of it doesn’t happen in the  bedroom

Connection, intimacy and orgasmic heights can be reached and achieved not just through sex. Dr. King, drawing on her more than three decades of clinical experience and her personal experience to make her point. “My husband and I like sex even until now and make it a point to have it regularly. But that’s me. There are some couples who find the same intimacy, pleasure and connection by doing other things—even from just watching TV or washing the dishes together.”

Dr. King ended her session by saying that the results of the Ideal Sex Survey were pretty much universal not just among men and women, but also among the various races and nationalities who took the survey. “It’s not so much our cultures and our nationalities that make us different when it comes to sex. When it comes to this deeply personal and intimate act it is more our humanity that makes us the same.”

Photo from Marriage Thermometer, Cover photo from Johnny Conrad

Find out more about the results of Ideal Sex Survey and what really makes sex “good” in the December / January issue of Playboy Philippines.