So, you finally got your boxers out of the wad they were stuck in and asked her out on a first date. Depending on how long it took you to ask her, our reactions would be: “good for you” or “it’s about time”.
But as the phrase implies, the first date is simply the “first” and not nearly the end of it. Asking and getting her to say yes is just the first hurdle of this getting-to-know-you mating call. You have the rest of the evening to make a fool out of yourself or impress her enough to want to go on a second date. And assuming that you also want to go out on a second date, here are the cardinal rules about how not to f*ck up the first one.
1. No distractions, no looking (at other women), no nothing – it’s all about her
It’s a date, dude. It comes with a short-term guarantee of a maximum three hours of monogamy. THREE hours—just about the same time it takes to watch a movie, check in and out of a motel, the number of hours it takes you to get to Makati from Quezon City. During those three hours, you are obliged to be polite, attentive and adhere to all the first tier tenets of monogamy. So do not text while having dinner, do not go on-line to update your Facebook status, and do not, for the love of god(dess), check out other women.
Violate this short-term monogamy creed and be called a jerk.
2. No touching, no fondling, no sex
Go from jerk to prick in less than three hours is easy. You just let your prick do the thinking for you. You let your hand wander where it shouldn’t, make too many not-very-innocent-remarks about what you like in between the sheets or even remotely try to bring her home with you.
And you want to know a secret?
If she wants to get rid of you—like she never wants to see the likes of you again after–she will have sex with you on the first date. You’ll be another notch on her bedpost to tell her friends about. Trust me, she’s not going to be too impressed that you, like all the other men in this world, are so predictable. And for us ladies, that’s worse than be easy to bed.
3. No to being over eager to please and to being a yes man.
Sure, you want to impress her and show her that chivalry isn’t dead. So pull out her chair for her and open the goddamn door. No need to trip over your own feet to make way for her when walking or–the height of being pussy-whipped–carrying her bag. Didn’t you get the memo, dude? Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice—NOT glass.
4. No to being a cheapo
The first date is not the time or place to be a smart shopper or diner. Sound like common sense? Uh no. Take for instance, my friend Misha. She was thrilled when a younger guy from the office asked her out. Thoughts of “still having it” bloated her ego, quickly deflated during dinner when the younger guy kept going on and on about how low his salary was. “It made me feel guilty for ordering something on the menu, fearful that I would eat up two weeks of his paycheck,” says Misha.
And to make matters worse, when the bill came, he paid with credit card but only for his share. “He was very apologetic in saying that he had just paid for his credit card, which he had just maxed out. He was worried that his transaction would be declined…and asked me if it would be alright if I paid for my order,” recalls Misha. “Now, I can laugh about it. But back then, I really wanted to slap him and tell him to pick on girls within his own pay grade.”
Needless to say, Misha never picked up the younger dude’s calls or answered his messages….even if it was to give career advice.
5. No to not telling her where you’re taking her on this first date
Lots of men don’t get it, and for purposes of this article, we’re assuming you don’t either. We women don’t dress up for you. We dress up for the other people – most especially the women who will notice every little crinkle or crease in our clothes or on our face and will never forget that we wore last season’s dress to this season’s event. So you have to tell us where we’re going and what we will be doing so we dress appropriately. You’re not going to like us much when we’ve been standing all night in our stiletto-clad feet the whole night for a concert. Hell, we wouldn’t like ourselves very much either.
6. No to TMI
Yes, there is such a thing as too much information—especially on the first date. We don’t want to hear about your definition of love, or how you were potty trained before you even learned how to walk. Keep all of that not-nice-to-know-won’t-make-a-
7. No to bringing out the EX-Files and the EX-Box.
We really don’t know want to know about your ex on the first date and that goes for all possible variations of the way you want to talk about her. Like, if she was the one who got away or the bitch who didn’t know a good thing when she had one. We have just as many ways of saying, “Asshole, please. You have more issues than Vogue.”
8. No to being arrogant
If you have to brag about your accomplishments, then you’re going to be tagged as insecure and attention deficient, i.e. you didn’t get enough [attention] at home, school and at work—in that order. Brag about your accomplishments only if you’re discovered the cure for Cancer or found a way to make rocket science E-A-S-Y. Otherwise, you’re going to be tagged as a high-maintenance, needy, insecure boylet who needs to be patted on the head every time he’s able to roll over. That’s exactly the perfect reason she won’t go out with you on a second date.
9. No to being a slob
Manners and common sense will tell you not to yawn, not to burp or pick your teeth, nose or groin area in public. So don’t the hell do it when you’re on a date—first, second or otherwise. It’s just gross. If whatever it is that has you fidgeting needs to be addressed, head to the bathroom and do it in private—pronto.
10. No to whining
Yes, traffic is a bitch. Yes, your job sucks and your boss is a major pain in the ass. Be a man and suck it up. The only kind of whining that should go with this dining is white or red—wine, that is.
This was also published in UNO Magazine.Share this Post[?]