sexandsensibilities.com

Celebrating dreams was the best way for Sex and Sensibilities.com to cap off our first year.

We partnered with The Body Shop and Belle de Jour – two partners who believe in the power of dreams as much we do – and put up the “Dreams 2011″ contest. We asked readers what dreams they set for themselves and how they intend to make them come true. The 20 winning dreams would get  a special “Dreams” gift pack from The Body Shop and a Belle de Jour 2011 Planner.

"Dreams" is The Body Shop's new bath and body line. SAS readers got a sneak peak of the product before it hit the stores.

We were overwhelmed by the response. We got close to 300 entries!

We really had a hard time picking out the 20 winners who would win a swag bag from The Body Shop and a Belle de Jour 2011 Planner, but that was mostly because there were so many really good entries to choose from.

There were so many dreams that were filled with such determination and hope.

There was one girl who were finishing up a college course that that their parents thought was “safe” (a job where you can make money) but their dream was really to perform on Broadway. And there was one mother whose dream read like a silent prayer to see her daughter, who had developmental delays, walk before the age of two.

There were also a number of girls who wanted to pursue their dream of starting their own business as writers, artists or entrepreneurs.

For this part, we called on the “IT” girl herself Darlyn Ty who talked about how she made her dream of finding a dream planner into the much loved Belle de Jour Planner, which is now a multi-million peso business.

"IT" girl Darlyn Ty who created Belle de Jour

Among the many valuable lessons that Darlyn shared about running your own business: don’t be afraid of failure (calculated risks, of course), build experience by really learning the ropes and finally, just do it!

As for me, I talked about the role dreams play when it comes to sexual health.

“When you have dreams for yourself, when you want to see yourself going places, you’re going to do whatever you can to protect your dreams and see them through.  You won’t put your dreams at risk when it comes to choices about protection and intimacy,”  I told the twenty winners and their friends who gathered that day at The Body Shop Glorietta branch.

As each of the winners shared their dreams, the other girls in the room cheered them on. : ) It was the first step in making a dream come true – telling another person about it.

I say it all the time, but I still can’t say it enough.

I love my job. But on days like this, I fall into a tailspin of maddening, all-consuming, and blinding love.

To view more pictures from the Sex and Sensibilities.com first anniversary, click here.

With SAS readers Janice and Aby. Janice dreams of starting a home-based business and Aby dreams of doing more outreach programs among indigenous people.

Celine who dreams of being on stage someday gets Darlyn's autograph.

With Darlyn Ty and Em Somera of Viviamo (parent company of Belle de Jour) and Mona Estrella of The Body Shop.

        

Sex and Sensibilities is turning 1 this month and we’re set to ring in the new decade with signature SASs!

Your answer in the comments section of this post will serve as your official entry.It’s that simple!

Go ahead, make this The Year of YOU!

Mechanics:

1. Submit your “DREAM” by filling in the comments section of this post. You don’t have to put your real name, but you do need to include a working email address so we can contact you in case we choose your entry.
2. You can submit more than one DREAM, but to qualify as individual entries, your answer must not be replicated.
3. Twenty (20) winners will be entitled to a special “Dreams” gift pack from The Body Shop. “Dreams” is the latest collection of The Body Shop and the winners will be the first to see the product before it is sold in TBS stores nationwide. The gift bag will also include gift products from SAS.
4. As an additional treat, we’re also giving out 20 (twenty) Belle de Jour 2011 Planners to the lucky winners. : )
5. SAS and TBS will pick the top best 20 answers and have an exclusive awarding ceremony in the Glorietta branch of The Body Shop on Jan 28, Friday.
6. Winners will also be treated to a free make-up lesson so they can start 2011 looking fabulous and glamorous. One girl will be chosen from the winners to be the “model” for the make-up lesson.
7. This promo will run until Jan 23. Winners will be announced Jan 25.

        

by Ana Santos

I love being a single mom.

Of course, at the start, I did not always feel this way. At the start, I was 27 and while my friends were starting to enjoy perks of the corporate world or busy planning their marriages, I was leaving mine.

I felt older than my 27 years and found that no one could relate to me. In an old blog post, I wrote: “I was a prodigy of some sorts. I was neither here nor there, I was an outcast among the couples, newlyweds and newborn parents.”

I had never in my life felt such isolation.

I had no one to go to who knew how I felt, or what it took for me to leave a marriage and all the promises of a lifetime with it.   I remember that the process of healing started only when I willed it to start.  And only when I realized that I would be miserable only as long as I allowed myself to be.

Fast forward to 10 years later, other girls still ask me: how you do you do it?

What surprises me now is that guys are asking me the same thing. Not because they have become  single dads, but because their friends – some, in alarming number — have become single moms.  Some are surprised that in their mid-20s, they and their friends still don’t know better.

And what surprises me even more is that there still seems to be little in terms of support for single parents.  Sure, there are things like the Solo Parent Law, but the things that really matter to single moms on a daily basis like managing finances, finding a good yaya, legal rights and simply just maintaining your sanity are still missing.

I found myself again jealous of other countries with sophisticated and efficient welfare and health care systems that were sensitive to the needs of single parents. So, like a lot of things that I decided to do in my life out of envy and jealousy,  I decided to put together a workshop called “Single. Mother. Fabulous!”.

I, together with fellow writer Karen Kunawicz, will talk about single motherhood. You can bet that Karen and I will tell it like it is and talk about both the warm, fuzzy joys and the knee buckling travails that are overwhelming in equal amounts.

This is a free workshop for single moms to talk and learn from each other’s experiences. Our partner, The Body Shop, will conduct a demo on how to put on make-up in the least amount of time because that’s the one thing single moms never have enough of.  And if there’s one secret to surviving single motherhood, it’s that you need to look good before you feel good.

I am still thinking about making this a building block series covering other topics like legal assistance and rights, creatively managing finances, finding the right yaya and yes – even the often dreaded territory of dating again. It will really depend on the response to this first workshop.

I will end by saying that in the years that I have made a life for me and my daughter, I have come to know a certain happiness and contentment.  There were many people who openly showed pity and disdain, but there were far more people who helped us and gave us their unwavering support.  It’s time to pay it forward and reach out to other single moms who are just starting this journey.

There is clear line that separates being alone and being on your own. Knowing this difference is the key to making your own happy even after ending.

The “Single. Mother. Fabulous!” workshop for single moms will be on Sunday, November 14, 2010, 9-11am at the 2/F of Starbucks Ortigas Home Depot.This will be a FREE workshop, but slots are limited, please reserve a slot at 0927.307.9608. This is a trademark event of Sex and Sensibilities.com,  because single moms are the SASsiest of them all.

        

Whenever I go to a sexual reproductive health conference, I see that the attendees are mostly women. Save for the one or two token men in attendance (usually members of the organizing committee), it’s usually a predominantly female audience.

I always find this ironic because we women don’t have to convince one another that we want better control over our pregnancies, our bodies and subsequently, our lives. What we actually need to do is convince men to do their part in helping us control our pregnancies and our lives. Of course, this is will entail expanding a man’s participation and making birth control (and not just baby making) an equal responsibility.

When we thought of doing the Real Men Wear Condoms Campaign, many wished us luck.

“You’re looking for a guy who’s hot, hard and straight?! Good luck!”

“Good luck getting a straight guy to come out [no innuendo intended] and say he uses condoms!”

I could see where all the skepticism was coming from. According to the 2008 National Demographic Health Survey, among the 51% of the population using some form of family planning, only 2.3% use condoms while over 9% use withdrawal, a method notoriously known to have  high failure rates. A recent Reuters report stated that the Philippines has the lowest rate of condom use in Asia. Only 20% – 30% of groups that are at risk for HIV infection use condoms.

But again, not all men are created equal. There are those little gems of mankind who think that part of being responsible and — this was the best part — taking care of your partner is to use condoms.

Sex and Sensibilities brings you 8 men who are all fans of what we will now forever refer to as “the love glove”.

Inspired by the Real Men Wear Pink campaign, these eight men came out to prove a similar point – that much like wearing pink, wearing a condom is not something that will diminish a man’s masculinity.

Harry Tan. Elusive bachelor.

“I was maybe 14 when my Dad first had ‘the talk’ with me”, Harry says recalling the father and son talk that set the tone for his adolescence and later on, adulthood. Because of that, he has always thought that using condoms was no big deal.

“He ingrained in me that I should only start a family when I’m ready and I should take precautions. Later on, I realized the deeper meaning of what my Dad told me – you should take  control of your destiny, your life.”

Alex Von Ramm. Student. Jock.

Mature and simply straightforward about the subject, Alex says, “I don’t feel embarrassed at all when buying condoms. I had one interesting conversation with one cashier who asked me why I was buying a particular brand and even encouraged me to buy another. When I asked her why she liked the other brand better, she just giggled.”

Sam YG, Slick Rick and Tony Toni

Boys Night Out DJs

If you love listening to their bad boy, locker room humor, imagine spending some time with them in a motel room.

Jabs about penis size, lasting power, and making the ladies happy are all thrown together in quick-witted banter.  It’s clear that for Boys Night Out DJs Sam YG, Tony Toni and Slick Rick, being suave and smooth is synonymous to using the love glove.

Sam Fogg. Personal Trainer.

Sam says that he finds the Philippines a bit of a juxtaposition. “It seems – or it is a very conservative country –  but at the same time, sex is everywhere — In billboards, magazines, everywhere.”

This is in direct contrast to the attitude towards sexual health that he grew up in Manchester. “Condoms, getting tested are all part of being in a relationship”, he says matter-of-factly.

Xander. Financial Analyst.

“I’m an advocate of safer sex. I really believe it affects population and impacts the economic growth or decline of a country. I have a number of friends who had kids before they turned 20. Now that they have kids, that’s when they think about using a condom or regret that they didn’t use one. They go for withdrawal pero mahirap na yun, you’re not sure.”

Dale. Jailbait. Budding actor.

“Yeah, I’ve gotten disdainful looks from some cashiers when buying condoms, especially thekind of older ones, but who cares? Why should I let her judgment cloud mine? I, along with my partner, will benefit from using condoms, not the cashier – so it shouldn’t matter.”

Real Men Wears Condoms is a trademark campaign of Sex and Sensibilities.com and is supported by Victoria Court and LICK condoms. Men’s grooming by Jim Guerrero of L’oreal Professionnel. Photos by Ena Terol. Conceptualization by Dual Action Blender.

        

“The idea of taking it all off for the first time was scary”, begins Donabelle, talking about her days as a Brazilian virgin.

“I first thought about getting a Brazilian wax because my friends and I were going to the beach. I liked the soft, silky feel of it and well, my boyfriend loved it.”, recalls Donabelle giggling. She now swears that she has never gone back to having an unkempt bush again.

Join Donabelle and the hoards of other women who are Brazilian virgins no more. Sex and Sensibilities joins The Strip in celebrating its global  campaign:  “1 million bushes beautifully pruned and still counting”.

Tell us what makes you take it all off safely OR share your own confessions about what you love most being a Brazilian virgin no more and get a chance to win one (1) of five (5) free Brazilian wax gift certificates to be given away from The Strip.

Mechanics:

• Tell us one of two things:

1.) Whether it’s your clothes or your pubic hair – what makes you take it all off safely?

Example: “A night of worry-free safe sex is a sure-fire way to get me to take off all my clothes.”

OR

2.) Confess what you love most about being a Brazilian virgin no more.

Example: “I love the softness of getting a Brazilian wax because.”

• Post your answer, which will serve as your official entry, as a comment to this blog post.
• You don’t have to give us your real name, but you do have to give a functioning email address so we can notify you in case your entry wins.
• You can enter more than once, just as long as your answers are different for each entry.
• Entries that are deemed profane or vulgar will not be accepted.
• Promo is from July 5 to 25, 2010. Winners will be announced on July 28 via email.
• Winner may claim their prize at The Strip Greenbelt 5.

NOTE:  Certain OB-GYNEs  are of the opinion that the presence of pubic hair can also prevent the spread of bacteria in the genitalia. However, even with or without hair in the genital region, proper hygiene is of prime importance.

        

Bad-fitting bras that inadvertently turn into belts, nipples that respond to sudden drops in temperature, and the classic timeless safety pin – we received all sorts of tips from readers about how to avoid wardrobe malfunctions.

Sex and Sensibilities and The Strip are happy to shine the spotlight on the lucky SAS readers who shared their funniest and wittiest tips to avoid ghastly wardrobe boob-boos!

The three winners of  FREE Glamour Tape:

Honey

“It’s a basic thing, but make sure your bra fits you well. Especially if the bra is strapless. When I was in high school, I once wore a strapless bra, but it ended up like a “belt”. It was so uncomfortable and embarrassing!”

Dee

“I love to dress up even if it takes up alot of time to prepare to make sure everything fits and is comfortable with. Even though, it does not assure me of being 100%-wardrobe-malfunction-free: the peeking “nips” and “butt” and the likes. To secure myself from embarrassment, I always bring ANY of these: safety pins, adhesive tapes (any type), and the best of all – scarves. Scarves never fail to save or hide me from wardrobe mishaps while staying fashionable.”

Michi

“Whenever i wear revealing clothes, I protect myself from wardrobe malfunctions by checking which areas are vulnerable to mishaps. I do this by moving as much as I can: like dancing or shaking the upper part of my body. After identifying them, I use double sided tape or safety pins to secure the areas before leaving the house.”

And to our grand prize winner, Ruth for her witty, resourceful and wow, cost-efficient answer. Ruth will get a FREE pack of Nippies for her winning entry about not just about wardrobe malfunctions, but also over-zealous nipples.

“If you decide to go bare, make sure that you save yourself from embarassment in case of wardrobe malfunctions. Wax and shave if you want to go daring with sexy dresses and skirts.  Seamless underwear is a must have for every stylish girl’s wardrobe.

If you want to show your cleavage (and just the cleavage), always use a double sided tape (you can buy from the nearest bookstore) and nip tape or a band aid if you run out of nip tapes!) I used it once — just cut it, shape it and presto! Besides, nip slip is not the only thing that catches people’s attention, PERKY NIPS do, too! So better conceal them before they peek!

Congratulations, ladies! Please expect notification via email with instructions on how to claim your prize.  Sex and Sensibilities and The Strip thanks you for joining.

        

Bikinis, halters, dipping necklines — showing some skin is the only way to stay cool in the smoldering heat. But whether you’re a Janet or an Anne, no girl is spared from the horrors of wardrobe malfunctions.

But wardrobe malfunctions, while an unfortunate occurrence, are totally avoidable with Nippies and Glamour Tape. Get these wardrobe essentials FREE from Sex and Sensibilities and The Strip by giving your own best personal tip to avoid wardrobe mishaps. Making a comment on this post will serve as your entry.

The best answer will be given one set FREE of Nippies valued at Php1,500.  Each pack of Nippies can be used more than 100 times!

Three other winners will be given FREE packs of Glamour Tape valued at Php550.

Mechanics:

1. Give us your SASsiest, sexiest personal tip to avoid embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions and mishaps as a comment to this post.

2. You don’t have to use your real name, but just in case you win, please give us a valid email address we can use to notify you.

3. Promo will be from May 24 to June 21. Winners be announced on the website by June 25 and notified by personal email.

4. Gift certificates to claim your FREE Nippies or Glamour Tape will be issues to the winners. When claiming your prize at The Strip Greenbelt 5 branch, winners will need to produce photo identification to redeem the prize.

        

 It seems highly unlikely.  

Jean Enriquez, executive director of Coalition Against Trafficking in Women (CATW-Asia Pacific), whose day job naturally includes putting pimps behind bars was brought to tears several times during this interview.  

But just as Jean herself says, and as I was about to discover, such is the power of feminist conversations.  

The first tears come when I ask Jean to tell me about herself.  

“That’s such an open-ended question”, Jean says, stumped. “Where do I even begin to answer that?”  

“Just tell me the first thing that comes to mind,” I say, encouragingly.  

“Single mother”, she says and her eyes turn misty. “I’m really proud of my 20 year-old daughter, Janica. Though I never really imposed my convictions on her, she is growing up to be quite a feminist herself. She feels deeply about the discrimination against the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and transgender) community and Muslim people. I was very surprised to see how sharp and precise her analyses are.” Jean says, proudly.  

The early onset of feminist activism seems to run in the family as Jean’s own brand of activism, also started at an early age.  

“When I was in 13, I was already speaking against the Marcos Administration at the rallies in Mendiola. I knew no fear — maybe because I was very idealistic. People were awed and listened to me and what I had to say.” says Jean.  

What Jean calls her ‘feminist awakening’ came later in university.  

“The other political ideologies that I read about were not relatable. When I read about feminism, it was holistic. It took up issues like relationships, which at that young age preoccupied me. I began to understand the power play between men and women.”, says Jean who also admits that the writings of feminism became particularly poignant at this time because she started engaging in casual relationships of her own.  

“I got involved in relationships without emotions. I went bed-hopping thinking that it would empower me. I only felt I was beautiful when I was sexually active.”, Jean shares, slightly shuddering at the memory.  

“You think you are so beautiful because you’re wanted, when really, you feel like a rug that is being used. You come to realize that even if you are intelligent, educated and respectable, there is no difference between you and a paid woman.”  

“I got pregnant when I was 20 and got married. I was irresponsible and thought having a child by him was love. It turned out to be a violent and abusive relationship which I eventually left.”  

Jean shares this experience of confusion, experimentation and resilience at youth camps the CATW – AP holds. “I don’t want them [the youth] to go through that. I believe that feminism is about empowering ourselves and re-building the self esteem that has been eroded by the media, by men and even by other women.”  

The complexities of sex trafficking  

Throughout her academic life and NGO career, Jean has been on the forefront of cutting edge women’s issues like reproductive health and later on, sex trafficking.  

Tracing this back, Jean says that it was in 1998 when she first became exposed to how women become vulnerable to sex trafficking because their fishing grounds or farms were converted into resorts or malls. “In the mining lands of Western Mindanao, they were being forced to sell their land. They were displaced and for lack of other means, they allowed themselves to be trafficked into prostitution. It is very sad, but within the small mining community, the girls are sold to the miners and the developers.” she says.  

“Sex trafficking is a complex issue which is linked to other issues like economics, poverty, and development. Muslim girls who have fallen victim to sex trafficking are highly stigmatized and sometimes forced to remain silence to save their family honor.”  

“This issue is close to my heart because it deals with the marginalized women in society. The victims are often made to be invisible. Until now, there are not many focused on this issue.” Jean says, and her voice catches in her throat. “Each cases of rape, of incest, of sex trafficking affects me.”  

Tireless, relentless  

 After more than two decades, Jean remains relentless in the fight for women’s rights. CATW-AP, under Jean’s leadership, was one of the women’s groups that were instrumental in the passage of the Anti-Trafficking in Persons Law in 2003. Currently, CATW-AP is lobbying for the passage of the Anti-Prostitution Law which de-criminalizes prostitutes, but will prosecute buyers and sellers. 

“Don’t you ever get tired?” I ask her.  

Jean does not hesitate before answering.  

“You know, we conduct trainings on violence against women for men. Some of the men, when they come in appear to be really cocky and arrogant. At the end of the training, you can see their illumination and new found conviction. Some even become peer educators themselves. Isn’t that so energizing? How do you quantify the women we have rescued thanking us for making such a difference in their life? When you see that your work can have that kind of effect on people, will you even think about the need to rest?” The rhetorical questions are answered, even before they are asked.

Jean removes her glasses to wipe away fresh tears. “I will not ever get tired of that.” Jean says, with a quiet conviction in her voice.  

And such is the power of the feminist conversation. Its empathy connects one woman to another regardless of superficial differences like age and background; its infinite tenderness softens the heart of even the hardest man; and its power inspires, nurtures and heals all those whom it touches.  

        

When Sally [not her real name] was offered a chance to work in Singapore as a waitress by her sister-in-law, she was readily took up the opportunity. The then 18 year old was working as a housemaid in Manila earning about Php 2,500 a month. She welcomed the idea of being about to earn more money to help out her family.

Sally, now 23, talks about the harrowing experience of being deceived by her sister in law and hiding from her estranged family for the last 3 years.

“My sister in law had been coming back and forth from Singapore for the last couple of years and was making a good living so I thought it would be fine.  I first sensed something was wrong when I saw my visa was a tourist one valid only for a few days. My sister in law said it was normal to do that and we would just extend the visa in Singapore.

I was surprised to find that once we got to Singapore, my first stop was a bar.  The manager’s only question was if I drank a lot. I had never had an alcoholic beverage in my life. This angered the bar owner who said that I could not work there because I would never make a lot of money or sit with customers for very long.

My sister in law was very mad at me. She insisted that I knew what I was getting myself into and that we had talked about “this” in Manila. I was still confused about what she meant by “this”, but I swore to her that I thought I would be working in a restaurant as a waitress, not in a bar where drinking was necessary. She wouldn’t hear of it and called me names like “stupid” and “bobo”.

Her boyfriend, who is a pilot of a commercial airline came up with a solution. He told her that they could offer me to one of his colleagues who was also a pilot. His colleague was old, unmarried and would be interested.

We went to his apartment and I overhead them negotiating for USD 2,000 because I was a virgin.

I finally realized what was going on.

I begged and pleaded with my sister in law not to leave alone with the big white man. I was again subjected to a barrage of insults about how I was wasting an opportunity and how stupid I was. My sister in law told me that when I got a boyfriend for myself, I would give it up anyway. I might as well do it now and even get paid for it.

I was scared.  I had never been out of the country and here I was in a foreign country where the only person I knew was trying to sell me.  At first, I gave in and said I would try.

But when my sister in law and her boyfriend prepared to leave, I was overwhelmed with fear. I didn’t know what the man was going to do to me. I thought he was going to kill me.

I really put up a fight by just crying in a corner and refusing to go anywhere. My sister in law was even more furious, but in the end, they didn’t force me. 

My sister in law told me that she had no use for me and would just send me back to the Philippines. She threatened to stop supporting my sister and her children if I told them what happened.

I was immediately brought back to the airport the next day. Actually, I was dropped off at the corner near the airport with Php500 in my pocket. I had no idea where to go. Good thing I found another Filipina and asked her for directions. She was also going to the airport so she guided me.

In the Philippines, my sister also told me that I was stupid for wasting this opportunity. She was furious that because of me, she lost face with the family of her husband. I endured all of this and just stayed quiet.

I was forced to work as waitress in a canteen my sister in law owned earning P1,700 a month. But I never saw any of this money. The money was collected by the manager, who was also a relative, to pay back for my airfare and other expenses incurred in Singapore.

I was finally able to get away, and found a shelter for women.  I have been hiding for the last 2 years. I am now part of a group called Bagong Kamalayaan Collective, Inc (BKCI) a group of women who have survived trafficking.  Being with women who know what I have been through has been healing.

With the help of Coalition Against Trafficking in Women (CATW-AP), BKCI is getting ready to put up a bakery cooperative for its members.

Now I work during the day and am studying Psychology at night in an all-girl’s university. I hope to give back by using my degree to counsel other women who have gone through a similar experience.  On weekends, I take baking lessons in preparation for the opening of our bakery.

My sister in law insisted that I was being weak and stupid for not taking advantage of the “opportunity” she presented to me. I now know that refusing to be sold off and standing my ground was the braver and smarter thing to do.”

Human trafficking is a global problem. The United Nations estimates that 12.3 million individuals live in forced labor worldwide, and about 70 percent of them are women or girls trafficked into sex slavery. Human trafficking is the world’s third largest black market industry after weapons and drugs.  The number of trafficked individuals outside and within the Philippines is in the hundreds of thousands.

It is usual for traffickers to be friends, neighbors or family members. Says Kip Oebanda, Development Specialist of Visayan Forum Foundation (VFF), an NGO that provides shelter for trafficking victims, “The trafficker’s commodity is really trust. That’s what they are selling. For someone to uproot themselves and go off to a far away land, you have to trust them.”

Trafficking can be stopped even if the trafficked persons are in transit. They can be seen in airports, seaports, the RO-RO (roll-on, roll-off transport system). Traffickers and their victims usually do not to talk to anyone, are usually in groups and don’t know where they are going. Children and teens are told to pretend like adults when they are clearly not.

Report suspected trafficking cases to the Philippine Ports Authority, the Coast Guard or to the Visayan Forum hotlines (632)709-0711 / (632)709-0573.

•  Log onto www.catw-ap.org for more information about trafficking.
• Photos courtesy of Mitch Maurico