sexandsensibilities.com

by Aileen Santos

Hidden Reason # 2: You have an unreliable filtering system for identifying good potential partners

Speaking of “identifying the right kind of potential partners,” one of the things I always find necessary to talk about with the “single dating professionals” that I coach is this: “You need to be able to tell the difference between your “Spider Sense” and your “X Ray Vision.”” ?

What do I mean by this? Let me explain.

In psychology there is such a thing as a “Love Map,” and Dr. John Money of Johns Hopkins University describes it as “a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes.” These encoded messages are usually influenced by the characteristics of our parents, other attractive adults, and fictional characters we encounter in stories and movies.

These “maps” are more?or?less set by the time we’re eight years old (yes, that young!) and since then we’ve already been carrying around this “pattern” or “image” of our ideal mate in our heads, including details such as hair and eye color, voice, smell, body build, and personality traits.

This is why when we see this stranger from across the room who matches our “love map,” we suddenly feel these intense magical feelings like “instant attraction,” “amazing chemistry,” and maybe even “love at first sight.” We feel like “we’ve known that person all our lives,” because technically, we have.

In a way, your love map works sort of like a “spider sense.” It goes off, we feel a tingle, and we believe we’re in love?

The problem with relying too much on your love map is this: the “physical details” we’ve been carrying around of this ideal partner DO NOT automatically correspond with the “personality details” that we actually need more of in a relationship.

In my own life, for example, I know that my own love map was heavily influenced by a childhood crush I had on Superman / Clark Kent. This is the reason why – for most of my teenage and young adult life – most of the guys I was attracted to were “Clark Kent types” who wore glasses.

In hindsight I’d come to realize that this “physical detail” (i.e., the wearing of glasses) had been my young brain’s way of helping me instantly identify “smart & dependable guys” (the “personality detail” I was really attracted to in Superman / Clark Kent – the characteristics in a partner that I actually needed).

Now, it was actually a good thing that my love map told me to look for “smart and dependable guys.”

The only problem was, “guys who wore glasses” do not automatically mean “smart and dependable” in real life. Because in real life when a guy wears glasses, it just simply means he has vision problems. ;?)

(Note: My own husband didn’t wear glasses when I met him – he still doesn’t – which is why it took me some time before I recognized that he was the most awesomely “smart and dependable” guy I’d ever known.) ?

What you can do about Hidden Obstacle #2:

In a nutshell: Take time to really analyze (by yourself or with a coach) what your love map (a.k.a. “spider sense”) is telling you about the “personality traits” of your ideal relationship partner, then use those details to strengthen your “x ray vision.”

You know you’re using your “x ray vision” when you truly take the time to get to know a person before deciding whether or not he/she has the potential to become someone special to you in a romantic way.

Of course I’m not saying you should “settle” for someone that you don’t find physically attractive, because this part of what makes you attracted to him/her IS also a very important factor for the longevity of your relationship.

All I’m saying is you CAN consciously modify your “filtering system” to recognize the more important qualities you actually need to have a satisfying relationship with a partner… and not just rely on a love map that you unconsciously put together when you were eight years old.

Aileen Santos is a Certified Professional Coach with a Master’s Degree in Counseling. She is also the author of “Seduction Secrets That Really Work! (A Novel)” which follows the story of call center agent Celine Anne Sison as she TRANSFORMS herself from shy?and?lonely single girl into irresistible man magnet.

        

Hidden Reason # 3: You are giving off the vibe that you’re unhappy with who you are

This phenomenon is actually a little bit more tricky. Because although most people who give out this “unhappy vibe” truly are secretly unhappy (yes, it comes out even when they’re trying to hide it), I have also encountered a number of people who were actually happy with their lives in general, and yet were still giving off this impression.

Why does this happen? Believe it or not, the reason is actually quite simple: “non-verbal communication.”

I demonstrate how people can effectively use these non verbal elements a lot in my ebook, Seduction Secrets That Really Work! (A Novel), but for now I want you to remember this other important fact about human nature: “We say A LOT about ourselves even before we open our mouths.”

What you can do about Hidden Obstacle #3:

First, you have to know the reason why “giving off a happy vibe” is very important in attracting the right kind of partner. That reason is this: “emotionally healthy relationships” are always based on the kind of attraction where two people already “feel good about themselves” in general, and then are further “inspired to grow into better versions of themselves” when they’re together.

In other words: “good potential partners” are the ones who become attracted to you because you “feel like a prize” to be with… not “a job to take care of.”

Note: People who are attracted to your “neediness” and “other issues” often have deep-seated emotional issues of their own. This kind of attraction usually results in unhealthy, codependent relationships.

Of course, every person who’s still alive on this planet has issues. That’s a given, and that includes me and you. What you DO have to watch out for is when these are the main things that attract someone to you.

That’s when you need to stop and step back.

Yes, it is also true that some people who start out being attracted to each other for less-than-healthy reasons have also managed to grow healthier & stronger relationships over time… but now that you’re aware of this distinction, the choice about what you want your relationship to be based on is now entirely up to you.

Now that you know why “nonverbally communicating that you are a prize” is important to identifying the right kind of potential partners, the second thing you’ll want to do is to identify those “non verbal messages” you’re giving out that seem to be saying a different message about who you are, and then take the necessary steps to address them.

This is actually one of the things that I focus on with my coaching clients. These “packaging, body language, and subtle flirting” techniques are secrets that I’ve painstakingly researched, practiced, observed, and analyzed with some of the most naturally charming man?magnets I know – and they get the benefit of learning them all in one place.

If you think you or a woman friend would absolutely benefit (and have a blast!) from something like this, then get your own copy of my ebook, Seduction Secrets That Really Work! (A Novel), and experience what it’s like to have that kind of transformation in your life ?

Aileen Santos is a Certified Professional Coach with a Master’s Degree in Counseling. She is also the author of “Seduction Secrets That Really Work! (A Novel)” which follows the story of call center agent Celine Anne Sison as she TRANSFORMS herself from shy?and?lonely single girl into irresistible man magnet.

        

Hidden Reason # 4: You’re unconsciously sending mixed signals to the opposite sex

by Aileen Santos

We’ve all been guilty of this at one time or another; some of us are even more prone to this than others.

Here’s an example: You take extra care with the way you look before going to a party or an event, and deep inside you’re harboring the secret wish for people to “Notice me! Notice me!”

But then when you get there your body language tells people how uncomfortable you are, and you end up either sending the signal  ”wanting to hide.” or “nothing interesting here pal, so just move on.”

Here’s another example: For some time now you’ve known that you want to find a good man or woman to be in a relationship with. Or maybe you’re even a step more advanced than that: you know you want to get married and have a family of your own.

But for some reason, you don’t really believe that “men and women can be best friends.” Or – on your next night out with your pals – you find yourself whole heartedly agreeing (lamenting?) that “all the good ones are taken,” that “men cannot commit,” or that “women will just use you then leave you.”

Mixed signals.

The problem with these mixed signals isn’t just that people of the opposite sex always pick up on them.

More importantly, they often mean that you still have a lot of inner conflicts about love and relationships that you need to resolve.

Many people who had these mixed signals / conflicted feelings about love often ended up unconsciously sabotaging their happiness even when they were already in very good, loving relationships with an amazing partner.

This is because they were literally “at war” with themselves about it, and a basic law of human nature is that “whatever’s happening on the inside will naturally create an effect on the outside.”

What you can do about Hidden Obstacle #4:

Whenever I coach people who turn out to be sending these mixed signals, I usually find that they have one thing in common: They are often unconsciously relating with other people through their hurts, not their hearts.

On one hand their hearts were clearly telling them “You want to be loved, and you are worthy of love.”

But their hurts had the stronger voice, and were practically shouting “You cannot trust anyone, you ended up being hurt before, and that’s just what’s going to happen again!”

These hurts are real, and they do take time to heal.

If you suspect that this is the obstacle that’s keeping you from finding real happiness in your relationships, then one of the best things you can do for yourself is to get into a counseling relationship (or at the very least attend a self-awareness workshop or retreat) in order to start the healing process.

There’s no shame in asking for help when you know you need it. In fact, the very act of reaching out to someone else for support is already incredibly therapeutic: You are already telling yourself in a very clear way that you are worthy of love, because you’ve taken this huge step of loving yourself.

Besides, one of the most tragic things that I’ve seen happen in otherwise amazing relationships was when one or both partners had unresolved wounds that came in between them, and they ended up “punishing” each other for hurts that had been inflicted on them by other people in their past.

I hope you never get to this point in your life, because even the most awesomely loving and patient partners can get hurt enough to be pushed away, too.

Aileen Santos is a Certified Professional Coach with a Master’s Degree in Counseling. She is also the author of “Seduction Secrets That Really Work! (A Novel)” which follows the story of call center agent Celine Anne Sison as she TRANSFORMS herself from shy?and?lonely single girl into irresistible man magnet.