sexandsensibilities.com

It’s the end of the world, I need to get laid N.O.W!

If some are to be believed, it’s supposed to be the end of the world as we know it. For those of you planning to get laid, hoping to get lucky or are desperate to lose their virginity before this supposed Apocalypse, here are some words of SASsy advice from us and our friends at LICK condoms.

Just remember, the world may be ending, but don’t let a hot date or in this case, an end date turn into a due date you’re not prepared for.

And for those girls with guys who want some love without the glove, here are some whippy, SASsy comeback lines to make him whip out a condom.

THE LINE: “I’ll only put it in for a minute…then we can put on a condom”

THE SASsy COMEBACK: To quote Beverly  Mickins  in the book “Women on Men: Love and Life with the Opposite Sex”—“What am I, a microwave?”.

Also, you should know that even if he’s in there for just a minute (and it’s never really just a minute, is it?) you can still get pregnant. Pre-ejaculation fluid already contains semen that can get you pregnant or give you an STI.

Photo from whatafy.com

THE LINE: “I don’t get hard when using condoms.”

THE SASsy COMEBACK: “Is it the condom, or is it you? You might have an erectile dysfunction (E.D.) and not know it. E.D. isn’t just about getting it up, it’s about getting it uhm, hard enough.”

Say that and you can bet he’ll put on a condom faster than a speeding bullet just to prove you wrong.

Photo from Health.com

THE LINE: “Condoms don’t fit me.”

THE SASsy COMEBACK: “Don’t flatter yourself, buddy.”

According to Joy Lynn Alegarbes, Global Director for Operations of  The Condom Project (who was once a guest blogger here at Sex and Sensibilities), “Statistically, it has been shown that 80% of men will fit into a standard size condom.  Of the remaining 20%, 10% of men need a snugger fit condom (too small), and 10% actually need a larger fit condom.   Although only 10% of men need a larger-sized condom, 30% of men will try to buy a larger-sized condom.”

He thinks he’s part of the 10% who need a larger fit? Check out The Penis Size Worldwide–chances are, he’s not.

Photo from Shine Yahoo

THE LINE: “If you love me and are faithful to me, we don’t need to/you’ll agree not to  use condoms.”

THE SASsy COMEBACK: “Not everything is about you, sweetie. The last time I checked, there were two people in this horizontal tango, but only one who could get pregnant. In this case, the hand that will rock the cradle is the hand that will insist on condom use.”

Using condoms doesn’t mean you love your partner less. Neither is it an indication of being unfaithful. Birth control is a joint responsibility. And the more responsible and yes, loving thing to do, is safeguard each other’s sexual health.

Photo form HerCafe

THE LINE: “But I’m only sleeping with you.”

THE SASsy COMEBACK: “Sure, but there may have been others before me and well, others after me. I’m doing this for them, too.” : )

The fact of the matter is that there are some STIs don’t show symptoms, HIV, for example, has an asymptomatic period that could go for as long as 10 years. So you could have an STI and not even know it and passing it on to someone. As the saying  goes, when you sleep with someone, you sleep with their history.

Photo from Genius Beauty

THE LINE: “Condoms don’t feel good.”

THE SASsy COMEBACK: “ That’s what lubricant is for.”

You might not know how to maximize their pleasure principle. Try using ultra-thin condoms or adding just a dollop of lubricant in the tip of the condom before rolling it on.

Because we love scientific (it is biology, afterall) explanations, we will again quote Joy Lynn Alegarbes, “One very important factor when it comes to sensation is providing the opportunity for increased friction and movement around the glans (head)– the location with the highest concentration of nerves in the penis).   I often recommend adding a little bit of lubricant directly to the head of the penis or on the inside of the condom’s tip just before putting it on.”

Photo from Pravda.ru

THE LINE: “Magaling naman ako humugot, e.” a.k.a “I know when to pull out.”

THE SASsy COMEBACK: “Fine, you know when to pull out. But I don’t. And until I know in advance when you’re ahem, coming, I’m not willing to risk my future on our hip movement and withdrawing power.”

Again, read up on the content of pre-ejaculation fluid. It can already get you pregnant or give you something less polite than the common cold.

Photo from Kinsey Confidential

THE LINE: “Just this once…”

THE SASsy COMEBACK: “Didn’t the snake say something like that to Eve? Look where it got them.”

You can get pregnant even if you have sex just once. You can get an STI even if you’ve only had sex once, if your partner is infected. Once is all it takes, sometimes.

Photo from Luis Granados

THE LINE: “Even if you get pregnant, I’ll marry you.”

THE SASsy COMEBACK: “What about the other girls you tried having unprotected sex with, did you want to marry them all, too?”

Alternative line: “There is no divorce in the Philippines!”

That should be enough of a reality check.

Photo from Jezebel

THE LINE: “I don’t have any condoms.”

THE SASsy COMEBACK: “No problem, I brought  my own.”

As any girl with a SASsy head on her shoulders knows, times like this, you need to be a girl scout. Going Dutch, potluck, BYOB or Bring Your Own Baon–any which way you put it, you just have to bring your own stash.