sexandsensibilities.com

This article was re-posted from Illustrado Life.

The flirtation of a charged text message or smile, the harmless cup of coffee after work, the feeling of desire and being desired brought by an attraction to the opposite sex.  Ana P. Santos talks to relationship and psychology experts to get the low down on emotional adultery, where betrayal does not necessitate taking off one’s clothes.

“Office husband” is a term Aileen Santos hears quite often. Santos, a certified relationship coach with a master’s degree in Psychology and Counseling hears a lot of her patients talking about their “office husbands.”

“This is the guy in the office that they hang out with, and with working hours being the way they are – long – this is also the guy they spend more time with compared to their real husbands.”

Long office hours, alternating work days due to the proliferation of the BPO industry and more people spending more time at the office just to avoid mind numbing traffic are just some of the factors adding to the emergence of such relationships.

“An office husband need not be an adulterous relationship and sometimes it is not,” said Santos, “but it does have the potential for turning into an emotional affair. Women, by nature, are more prone to emotional affairs than physical ones.”

The line that divides is so fine that it is easy to not even notice crossing it.

“It’s when you start confiding in your office husband more than your real life partner that it starts to become an emotional affair,” Santos cautioned.

By doing so, Santos says you deprive your partner the chance to get to know you, to share in the parts of your life that matter to you and be there for you.

Santos, who says that relationships with the opposite sex are not to be totally avoided, stressed the difference.

“When you tell someone about what happened or you need to bitch about what your boss said or did, that’s just recounting your day. But when you start talking about how this made you feel that’s different. The intimacy and insecurity in letting someone see your vulnerable side is the checkbox that makes it an emotional affair,” said Santos.

“Relationships with other members of the opposite sex enrich us.  Just as any other positive relationships do, but we need to be clear about what relationships are for what.  We need to be clear about boundaries,” she added.

The Office Affair and the Office Lover

When Jona, a 35-year-old sales executive, began moving up the corporate ladder faster than her husband who was her college sweetheart, she became more and more dissatisfied with the relationship.

“It wasn’t just about me making more money. It was also about me being more ambitious than him. I began to see him as someone weak because he didn’t have the same drive. The power that I was feeling in the office, out on the field, was easy to bring home,” Jona explained.

She began finding more and more excuses to work overtime with a colleague from another department. Their perceived similar interests attracted her to him even more.  For the first time in their eight year marriage, Jona began wondering about what it would be like to sleep with another man.

Eventually, a promotion and ambition saved the day for Jona.  “The new role came with more responsibilities and in my desire to do well, I poured myself into the new job. Our problem then became the amount of time I was spending at work compared to being at home.”

That was the problem on the outside. But Jona admitted that the bigger reason was that she didn’t find her husband interesting anymore. “He couldn’t relate to the decisions and the pressure of my position. I couldn’t talk to him anymore,” she said.

“Relationships are dynamic. That’s their very nature. Because the people in it grow and change, too,” said Santos in reaction to Jona’s case.

Santos has seen many patients thinking that happy even after will just happen, which is a wrong notion. “The journey that we all want to be on, the one where we grow old with someone is a product of the small decisions we make every day. When we find ourselves veering off that course, we need to go back and think why we chose our partner in the first place.”

Almost Lover or Too Close for Comfort

For many people, there is a meaningful distinction between emotional infidelity and sexual infidelity.

“The former is about involving feelings, self-disclosure, opening up of the self to the other, becoming close, falling in love. The latter is more about sexual encounter.” said Eric Manalastas, Assistant Professor of Psychology at the University of the Philippines, Diliman.

Manalastas also shared that women often find emotional infidelity highly distressing, compared to sexual infidelity. On the other hand, men seem to be particularly bothered by women’s sexual infidelity.

“The gender difference should not be interpreted to mean there’s an absolute difference between men vs women. Nor does it mean that emotional infidelity will not bother straight men or that sexual infidelity will not worry straight women,” Manalastas explained.

Rica, 40, has been dealing with chronic infidelity and has gotten to know quite a bit about both sides of the coin. In their 12 years of marriage, she has found her husband, Joggie cheating four times.  It was all the more infuriating for Rica when he would deny any physical involvement with the women.

“I would see the text messages calling him “baby”, the messages saying thank you for the lingerie that he bought while we — the two of us – were abroad. Once, I answered his phone without saying hello right away and a female voice came on the line asking: ‘Hon, can you talk?’ What do you call that?” Rica wailed.

With three kids and more than a decade of marriage, she says she doesn’t know what to do or why she continues to give him another chance. She can only conclude that the same thing that keeps her in the marriage is the same thing that angers her about Joggie’s “relationships” with these women.

“He hasn’t had sex with any of these women and I know this for sure because we own and manage our own business. We know each other’s hours and schedules. It’s not even to keep tabs on each other, it’s just as a matter of operating the business,” Rica disclosed.

“I don’t know. To me, it is an affair because of the betrayal and the intense pain I feel with the discovery of each new dalliance. But is it really an affair? They’ve never consummated the relationship. It’s like my heart and my mind are telling me two different things!”

Manalastas, in reaction says that what constitutes an affair is actually dependent on the couple. “If a couple constructs a committed relationship between themselves, and promises to be monogamous, then engaging in behaviors like texting, kissing, spending time with, or even thinking about someone else counts as infidelity not based on one’s own construal of “infidelity” but rather based on the partner’s.”

“In a close relationship, it’s not just the self that gets to call the shots and label things as ‘ok’ or `not ok’.  The partner’s point of view is equally – some would argue, even more important, especially if you want to stay together and be happy.”       

In relationships, as in anything in life, the route to happy ever after is made up of small every day decisions.

        

by Ana P. Santos

People have a tendency to judge others by the relationships that they have or how their relationships began. In this series, Sex and Sensibilities.com takes a look at how relationships are impacted by a world that is becoming smaller and smaller as technology becomes more ubiquitous.  The more modern and hi-tech we become as a society, the more evident it is that our  relationships are hinged on old-fashioned values of love and respect.

A meal ticket.

A one way airline ticket out of the Philippines.

A ticket to a better life.

Whether one would like to admit it or not, it wasn’t long ago when an inter-racial relationship, one between a foreign man and a Filipina was synonymous to those words. It was perceived to be a utilitarian relationship of commerce rather than feelings, of transactional needs rather than intimate bonds.

But things are slowly changing.

Low-cost airfare and migration have broken geographical borders in many ways. Younger foreign men can now extend their stop-over from other neighboring countries to our shores. More Filipinas are traveling for business, leisure or education and are being exposed to different cultural backgrounds. The global melting pot has blurred the lines defining and thus, segregating one race from another.

Perhaps nothing has changed the landscape of the way we engage in relationships more than the Internet and social media. It is now possible to have a relationship with someone even before you meet in person.  Distance, race and even time difference are just all minor nuisances instead of factors that would spell the end of a relationship.

But, as Alice and Joyce will tell you, much still has to be done about breaking down stereotypes and prejudices that besiege inter-racial relationships. These two women share intimate details about their inter-racial relationships, both of which were started and nurtured on-line. Precisely because of the stigma that surrounds on-line inter-racial relationships, both have requested to keep their identity secret. Now, their stories are still perceived to be unconventional and rare. But as technology advances, human relationships will move into the same direction and on-line relationships will just be another case of boy-meets-girl.

Alice, 25
Fashion Designer
Transexual Woman

Oliver and I met online. It is a more convenient form of meeting people for me since I can easily screen the sincere ones from the “chasers” or those who just want to have fun. It is also easier for me to tell the person about me being a transsexual woman or transwoman. It is also safer for me to tell them online because I don’t have to be afraid of a negative reaction that might potentially lead to  a hate crime.

We were talking online for six months and then he flew to the Philippines to meet me. It wasn’t awkward meeting him face to face for the first time. It felt like he just went on a trip somewhere and came back to me.

At first, Oliver didn’t really know much about transgender issues; that’s why our relationship started with me giving him a Transgender101 orientation.

Oliver and I have been together 1 year and 9 month; 14 of those months were spent living together here. Culturally, he was able to adjust very well and sometimes even calls himself a “Gernoy” (German + Pinoy).  He eats most of the Philippine dishes I serve him and is not too picky or spoiled. Oliver also got to know my family, which is a huge step for me especially since my family was initially not open to the fact that I am a transwoman. In time, they were able to accept and treat Oliver as part of the family.

Being in a relationship with a foreigner really takes a while to get used to. First of all, Oliver’s mother tongue is not English. During the first few months, we had some difficulty communicating. He learned to master English and I also studied basic German.

But more than that, other issues that we have to deal with as an inter-racial couple have to do with stereotypes and prejudice a relationship between a foreign guy and a transwoman here in the Philippines.

Since my gender identity, appearance and behavior is female and Oliver sees me as a woman, we consider our relationship as a heterosexual one. Most of the time, people think since I was assigned male at birth and Oliver is male, we are in a gay relationship. This is frustrating for Oliver because he was never attracted to men. Although we have no problems with people in gay relationships, we don’t want our relationship to be labeled as such.

Whenever we go out in public, we get stares from people. We first get noticed because he is a foreigner with a Filipina. Then, they realize that I am a transwoman and start talking about us and staring. The dynamics of the two really make us stick out like a sore thumb in public. We don’t need that unwanted attention. We want the quiet life that most people take for granted.

Sometimes I don’t go near him or hold his hand in public to avoid the stares and the negative attention. I also talk to him in German so that people will have the impression that I come from Europe and hopefully lessen the severity of their judgment.

It’s hard for Oliver to see how people treat me. It also brings out the worst in me because it makes me more insecure about myself and very paranoid about what people would say about us.

Some of them think that I am a sex worker and Oliver is my client or I am just using Oliver as my meal ticket. Many times in bars, both men and women would go up to Oliver and tell him that I am a transwoman or other assorted names like “ladyboy”. He would silence them by telling them that I am his wife and show them our matching rings.

It is very demeaning for me.  I am well-educated, I graduated cum laude from a private school and yet, even street beggars belittle me because I am a transwoman.

It has been not an easy journey for us, especially for Oliver. Seeing my struggles has made us decide to live somewhere out of the Philippines. We want to go to a place where society would not discriminate or judge people because of the choices they make. I believe that the Philippine society is one of the reasons why most transwomen choose to live in another country–so we can live a quiet—or what we call a “stealth”– life. I wouldn’t mind living in the Philippines if only the discerning people showed some respect and compassion towards transwomen.

It also made me realize that the Philippines has a lot of growing up to do when it comes to acceptance.

Currently, we are in the process of applying for a fiancée visa so that I would be able to go to Germany with Oliver. I do love my country, but it is better for me to leave so that I can live my life in a nurturing and dignified environment, where I, and the choices that I’ve made, are respected.

Author’s Note: Last week, Donald Trump overruled the disqualification of transsexual woman, Jenna Talackova. A statement released by Mr. Trump’s office read:

“The Miss Universe Organization will allow  Jenna Talackova to compete in the 2012 Miss Universe Canada pageant provided she meets the legal gender recognition requirements of Canada.” This was considered a small triumph for the global LGBT community in their continued fight against discrimination. Here in the Philippines, the decision was met with skepticism and disappointment. It is hoped that this story was help others understand some of the issues that transwomen continue to face.

Photo source: Wikipedia

        

This article was written by Ana Santos and was first published in Female Network.com.

Confused by the message “I’m in a relationship, and it’s complicated”? Check out these 10 relationship types, with definitions.

Just like everything that comes in more than one variant—shampoo, conditioner, even your coffee—relationships are no longer cut and dried or classified as simply black or white.  You’re simply no longer either just single or attached. There are a number of stages to any relationship, and a number ofrelationship types as well.

Here’s a summary of some new types of relationships that may define that ever ubiquitous status: it’s complicated.

Are you in any of the relationships listed in the slide show below? Or maybe you’re in a hitherto unnamed relationship type. Let us know by leaving us a comment!

SLUMMING (Photo courtesy of Columbia Pictures)

Main entry: SLUMMING

Function: Verb, e.g., “She’s just slumming.”

Definition: He says to-mah-to, you say to-may-toe.  You’re pretty much night and day personality-wise, especially with regard to educational background, upbringing, work, and maybe even manner of speaking. Either you’re just biding your time until someone better comes along, or you’re in love.

Reel example: Maid in Manhattan, Ever After, and just about every Cinderella or Prince-and-the-Pauper movie you can think of

Pros: You learn to be flexible and accepting.

Cons: A chance you’ll fall in love and risk settling for what you know wouldn’t have worked out in the first place. (Think Kris Aquino and James Yap.)

BRAND NAME COUPLE (Photo courtesy of 20th Century Fox)

Main entry: BRAND NAME COUPLE

Function: Noun, e.g., “They’re a brand name couple.”

Definition: You’re both popular, successful, and beautiful.  You’re two individual persons but your union is surrounded with such mystic or scandal that people cannot separate the two of you.  You are a power couple, and many of your friends may think of your lives in only two terms: before you got together, and after. Basically, you’re your own personal love team!

Reel example: Mr. and Mrs. Smith, who later became “Brangelina.”

Pros: Every other couple wants to be like you.

Cons: Every other couple wants to be like you.

POLYANDROUS (Photo courtesy of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, The Weinstein Company, and Optimum Releasing)

Main entry: POLYANDROUS
Function: Adjective, e.g., “Have you ever tried polyandrous dating?”

Definition: You love him, he loves her, and she loves you, too. That can go the other way around and can even multiply to include a small group of people who share the love in a very literal fashion. You’re in a polyandrous relationship—a relationship where you all love one another and are just open about it.

Reel example: Vicky Cristina Barcelona—Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johansson, Javier Bardem. Together. Enough said.

Pros: There will be a lot of room for experimentation.

Cons: This can work if you have an open mind and are not the jealous type. But like in the movie, in-fighting and competition for the attention of one man could be just too much.

HE'S-WILL-I'M-GRACE (Photo courtesy of NBC)

Main entry: HE’S-WILL-I’M-GRACE

Function: Adjective, e.g., “It’s a he’s-Will-I’m-Grace kind of arrangement.”

Definition: He’s cute, dresses well and is exceptionally well built. You talk about boys and the latest trends of the season. The two of you watch Sex and the City reruns, showbiz news, and the Lifestyle Network together. He’s basically your GBFF: gay BFF. He may have even promised to marry you if you don’t find The One or donate his sperm so you can make your own little one. But as Dr. House said, “He’s not pitching a tent for you as his lady, because, well, you’re a lady.”

Reel example: Will and Grace, of course!

Pros: You have everything you could ever want in a man.

Cons: No sex (we did mention the tent-pitching, didn’t we?). But well, considering the love, affection, and friendship that many women enjoy with their gay boyfriends, under those circumstances, the trade-off seems like a good deal.

BED BUDDY (Photo courtesy of CBS Television Studios)

Main entry: BED BUDDY

Function: Adjective, e.g., “He’s my bed buddy.”

Definition: This is also known as being friends with benefits. You know each other only in the carnal sense. You see each other for a no-strings, just-good-old-fun roll in the hay. This is a purely utilitarian, low maintenance relationship that is good when you’re getting over a past one. It’ll get you through the tough times when the words “famine” and “drought” can be applied to your love life.

Reel example: Any soap opera drama like 90210, Gossip Girl, etc.—take your pick.

Pros: Can be mutually beneficial and self-fulfilling if you can both manage to have the same level of expectations. If used wisely, the FB arrangement can keep you from going back to a bad relationship just to be with someone and can be a great cure for a broken heart.

Cons: Can be disastrous if one of you begins to hope for something more than a booty call.

EXPIRATION DATING (Photo courtesy of Fox Searchlight Pictures)

Main entry: EXPIRATION DATING

Function: Verb, e.g., “We’re expiration dating”; also, Noun, e.g., “We’re engaging in expiration dating.”

Definition: This is the relationship you find yourself in when you’re on holiday in a country where no one knows you, when you’re at a conference and the situation is just ripe for meeting someone. But whether you like it or not and no matter how good it is, things are just going to end, and you’ll usually know exactly when that termination is going to come. Just console yourself with the knowledge that all good flings come to an end. Still, if you’re determined to push it to the next level, FN has a few tips.

Reel example: 500 Days of Summer

Pros: You have to make the most of the time you have, which amplifies every moment and makes it intoxicatingly exciting.

Cons: It ends before it every really begins, so you have to keep your heart in check.

KEPT WOMAN (Photo courtesy of Touchstone Pictures)

Main entry: KEPT WOMAN

Function: Noun, e.g., “She’s a kept woman.”

Definition: He pays your rent, takes you shopping, sends you on vacations.  Spa treatments and other cosmetic procedures are thrown in along with the designer bag. You think it’s a dream relationship and you’re blinded…by love, or money.

Reel example: Pretty Woman

Pros: You get a life of luxury and leisure.

Cons: People, especially the other ladies, will look at you and use names like “mistress” and “kabit.”

Note: This is not limited to women. Men can also be “kept,” in which case, the names applied are usually “gigolo” or “boytoy.”

PINING AWAY (Photo courtesy of Universal Pictures)

Main entry: PINING AWAY

Function: Verb, “I’m pining away for you.”

Definition: Also known as unrequited love, this is the crush that never goes away, and all of a sudden, you find yourself imagining what a relationship with that person would be like. This person becomes the standard by which you measure everyone else, which prevents you from ever being happy in a relationship with anyone else. You may even imagine having had a past with this person.

Reel example: Mark’s love for Juliet in Love Actually—although he takes a very healthy attitude when he says, “Enough now, enough.”

Pros: Since this relationship exists in your head, you never have to suffer the disappointment of knowing that your crush has feet of clay.

Cons: You chain yourself to a fantasy that prevents you from ever getting to be with someone who can return your feelings.

ALMOST LOVER (Photo courtesy of Columbia Pictures)

Main entry: ALMOST LOVER

Function: Verb, e.g., “He’s my almost lover.”

Definition: You hang out all the time, you call each other nightly, everyone thinks you’re a couple, and God knows, you wish you were–but you aren’t. You don’t know what else to do. You’re intimate and personal and you know that you’re right for each other, but, well, it just isn’t happening. And the worst part? He isn’t gay, taken, or entering the priesthood.

Reel example: Julianne Potter (Julia Roberts) in My Best Friend’s Wedding; Tom Bailey (Patrick Dempsey) in Made of Honor.

Pros: You’ve got a good friendship going.

Cons: Like someone who is pining away, you waste your time hoping for something that will not happen and prevent yourself from being with someone who can truly love and appreciate you.

GOING GREEN (Photo from Cleopatra courtesy of 20th Century Fox)

Main entry: GOING GREEN

Function: Verb, e.g., “This relationship is going green.”

Definition: You’ve broken up, gotten back together, broken up, gotten back together, and broken up—basically, it’s a lather-rinse-repeat kind of pattern you have going. Also known as the on-again-off-again relationship, this entails recycling a past relationship and hoping that the second, third, fourth time around will be sweeter than the last, when really all your friends have stopped keeping track of whether or not you’re together.

Reel example: Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, who were considered Hollywood’s IT couple long before Brangelina. In the end, even if they did marry each other twice, they also got divorced both times.

Pros: You’re a fan of conservation.

Cons: Other than being into recycling, you’re setting yourself up for a vicious cycle of fighting, breaking up, making up, and then fighting again. It’s draining and counterproductive. You broke up for a reason—remember that the next time you feel like you absolutely need to get together again.