Bruised: How to tell and where to go if you are in an abusive relationship
Author’s name withheld upon request
I remember reading about violence experienced by young girls at the hands of their boyfriends when I was around 12 years old. I think I read it in Seventeen magazine.
I remember thinking, “Wow. And to think he’s just a boyfriend. I would never let that happen to me.”
But it was already happening to me. At home, I witnessed my father hurt my mother; with words, with fists, sometimes just with the contemptuous look he would use to silence her.
It continued happening to me–when I had my first relationship at 19 and when I remedied that relationship by making it into a marriage.
I was one of those who looked down on women who stayed in abusive relationships. I thought of them to be weak, needy and plain stupid until I became one of them.
Then I began to understand that there are several misconceptions about domestic violence, starting with the term “domestic violence”. “Domestic” suggests that it only happens to people who are living together or are married.
When it first happened to me, I didn’t even know what to call it. It wasn’t—couldn’t be–domestic violence. Did shoving, throwing my stuff around because I “wasn’t listening to him” or “looking at him as he spoke to me”, grabbing—which is how it started–domestic violence?
Back then, it seemed too petty to be classified as that. Even if I did know what to call it, I didn’t know what to do or who to go to. It was the ‘90s, there was no internet, no laws. Republic Act 9262, which defined violence and institutionalized protection methods such as a restraining order was only passed in 2004.
There were other things that I didn’t know, like how intimate partner (the new term as of the new millennium) violence always starts with the little things like pushing and shoving and how not saying anything or not walking away is tantamount to allowing the violence to happen again and again.
And most importantly, I did not know how abuse at the hands of a beloved distorts your very perception of love. The one who hurt me was also the one who told me he loved me; he was the same person who did unspeakable things to me and violated my basic feeling of being safe. It began to change me. I justified, rationalized and made excuses. How else could I describe the sudden rage that was matched in intensity by contrition and remorse?
It distorted my sense of right and wrong and it ate away at my self-esteem. I left many times, once I even went out of the country. But I always came back. I didn’t think I deserved better. I became dependent, longing for and needing the love and approval of my abuser.
Later, I learned that a woman in an abusive relationship leave, on an average, eight times, before leaving for good.
From the book, “Not to People Like Us”, I learned that seeking help is more difficult for women from an middle to upper class demographic because of the social pressure to project and protect a certain image and lifestyle.
But always, there is a way out. It starts with first coming to terms with the fact hat you are being abused, knowing what what your options are and then taking action.
If you think you are in an abusive relationship, answer the questions in the links below to find out for sure. If someone you love and care about is in an abusive relationship, please share this information with them.
http://www.thehotline.org/is-
http://www.nottopeoplelikeus.
In the Philippines, call the Women’s Desk of the Philippine National Police to get help. There is an all-female police force called Aleng Pulis (which literally means “Miss Police Officer) who are trained to handle crimes against women with sensitivity and discretion.
Philippine National Police-Aleng Pulis
Tel No. (632) 410-3113 (within office hours only)
Mobile: +63919-777-7377 (24 hours)
For counseling, call the Women’s Crisis Center at
Tel No. +63 2 922-5235, 8:00AM – 9:00PM
Photo from Datingish
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